This is what I do

It has been 4 years, 1 month, 3 weeks & 1 day since I checked my mail for that piece of paper I had been so impatiently waiting for. I barely got that piece of paper on my 1st try. I went to that amazing school for a year, only got a B in one class. One class!! All A's & ONE B!!!! I studied my ass off. Crammed more knowledge of things I never wanted to know about...like skin conditions (what an itchy week that was) & what cadaver muscles look like (Ewww!)...into my brain, wrote papers, read & read & read, took tests every week it seemed, then all of the sudden it was over. I was done. No more driving to Portland twice a week. No more not seeing Ky for days at a time. School was out! But it wasn't over. I took the written test for my boards, no biggie. Then I went to take the practical...terrifying! I passed, by 4%. That was a blow to my 3.92 GPA, but I passed. Then it was time to wait & check the mail & wait & check the mail & wait some more & check the mail again...until it came!! I called my would be first professional client & said "guess what!!! I finally get to be your massage therapist!!!"

This might be the best lesson I ever learned.

I had people waiting for me. The support of my family & friends in pursuing this was so incredible. They helped with Ky, they helped me study, they got me through the stressful times, they brought me through that tunnel to the light at the other side. While I was there I was blessed to meet even more amazing friends. It was a life changing experience. I didn't know it was what I really wanted until I jumped in. All I knew was I wanted out of where I was. No more sales, no more sales goals, no more meeting goals only to have the ceiling raised & the commissions lowered every month, no more angry customers who just needed a sounding board, no more working 60+ hours a week & missing Kylie's life. So I gave my notice, I got my financial aid, after just finally rebuilding my credit I put myself further in debt than I'd ever been & I went back to school.

That was the first step. The second step happened 1 year, 9 months & 4 days ago when I became self-employed. There wasn't a smooth transition. No testing the water. Just a plunge into the ice cold abyss. I'm still swimming. It really isn't that cold. It's amazing.

So here's what I do. I help people feel better. When you come to my office I want to you to walk out feeling better than you walked in. I want you to feel safe, tell me your worries if you need to, sleep if you need to, laugh if you need to, or cry. This is your time. You are paying for it so you need to know it is about you. If you think your left foot needs 15 more minutes of massage than the right one...tell me! The most important thing for you to feel when you are laying on that table in my office is comfortable. 

I hear all the time, "Well I would come get a massage, but I don't want you to see my fat, chub, extra pounds, insert bad body image comment here..." I hear this from men & women alike. I. DO. NOT. CARE. WHAT. YOU. WEIGH! I'm not sizing you up wondering if you've gained a few pounds or lost a few pounds. I'm there to help you relax. I'm there to help you feel better about yourself. Did you know one of the benefits of massage is a healthier body image? Yep, having someone massage you helps you to become more comfortable in your own skin. That. Is. Awesome. 

Just so you know, every time someone comes to my office for the first time, I am just as nervous as that day when my license finally came. I'm thinking "Will they like my massage technique? Will they silently be laying there hating it? Will they feel comfortable here? Will what I do help them?" True story.

Now that we are past your first hurdle, let me tell you about what goes on in my office. Sometimes massage music...sometimes a sweet playlist. Might be November Rain playlist if you're really lucky! That's up to you. Because it is YOUR MASSAGE! Then we talk about why you're there. Did you pull a muscle, are you so stressed your neck has disappeared, car accident, you need an hour away from your family??? Whatever it is, we will figure out the best course of action for you. Then I'll step out & wash my hands while you undress to YOUR level of comfort. Don't worry, I will knock before I reenter the room. I don't want to see you naked so please get situated on the table, under the covers, before you tell me to come back in! Then it's massage time. Tell me if I need me to adjust the pressure, if you hate having your feet, ears, left pinkie finger touched, if you have a giant bruise or a new tattoo that can't be touched right now, if you only want your neck & shoulders massaged. Just let me know.

I love being a massage therapist. LOVE IT! Everyday my goal is helping people. Some of my clients come to me for pain management, some come to relax, some come to ease their anxiety, some just for an hour of peace & some because it seems to be the only time we can see each other uninterrupted. Whatever the reason, they come to me & I cherish the opportunity to touch their lives. 

Not everyone that comes to see me comes back. I'm not for everyone. I don't ever want to offend someone, but there will be people who just won't like me. It's OK. A newer client of mine told me the other day that she likes me because I'm not like "most massage therapists" she's encountered. She said they were too "new age-y" for her. I think my November Rain playlist won her over! Whatever the reason, I am immensely grateful to all of those who become my clients & if I'm really lucky, some of those people who come in as strangers leave as friends. I have a few who started out friends (& some who came to me because their chiropractor said they should) that I enjoy so much, I'm counting down til their next appointment! That makes going to work easy!!

Thank you to all my people for all of your support! Much love to you!

Please feel free to share this post, or my Facebook page Jasmine Craven, LMT, or both!!

18 In No Time

It's happening. That thing they said would happen. You have a baby & they say, "You will blink & she'll be all grown up." Or, "Before you know it she'll be going off to college." 

There are times, I'm sure many still to come, when it feels like time is standing still, nothing is changing, we will never get past this point & to that "better place." Like chores...will chores ever just get done?! Does it make me a good mama or a terrible housekeeper when she is gone overnight for an extra night...then 2 extra nights & I don't do the mound of dishes or scrub the shower because those are her chores? The shower isn't growing any mushrooms behind the shampoo bottle & I didn't run out of utensils, but I can assure you I was hoping so hard that anyone who witnessed this wouldn't judge my homemaking skills. I was just thinking, "Please let them understand, it is her responsibility & she has to be accountable!!!" Or her bedroom...why does it pain me so when my bedroom & my best friend's bedroom weren't far from this growing up? Is it because we at least had the decency to remove dirty dishes/garbage the same day? Our mess was strictly clothing, hair stuff, makeup & papers.

Today she came home from her Thursday night sleepover that turned into a Thursday-Saturday nights sleepover so that she could do her chores. This is the only way she would be allowed to go to a movie tonight. Chores had to be done...COMPLETELY DONE! No only washing the shower doors, but not the walls, shelves or floor. No random dishes that weren't inside the sink left unwashed. Done. All. The. Way. Done! 

On my way home I was contemplating whether I wanted to watch this movie...that I watched last night...again. It was a good movie, but it isn't exactly uplifting. I almost full on cried, not a trickle of a tear elegantly down the cheek, but full on sobs, no less than 8 times during this movie. So I'm thinking, "Do I want to subject myself to that 2 nights in a row? Is that healthy for my mental state? Do I feel comfortable just dropping my teen off at the theater?"

First almost cry...
right here.

Here's the end result. It was a bit jarring. She is 14 years old! FOURTEEN!!! It is OK to take her to a movie theater in Astoria & drop her off with her friend at the ticket window. Why do I have such a hard time letting her do things I was doing at her age? Probably because she's my baby & I don't like to think that she's at an age where she can go to a movie with a friend or the pool without me being right there the entire time.

So in order to reign myself in I thought about what I was doing at 14...in the 8th grade. I had a boyfriend who was in high school. He picked my friends & I up from school. If he didn't, one of my friends' high school boyfriends did. We rode around in the back of Mickie's boyfriend's truck. In. The. Truck. Bed. Oh, I smoked...Marlboro Lights. I smoked Marlboro Lights while riding in the back of my bestie's boyfriend's truck on my way home from the 8th grade! When we weren't riding around with high school boys we were walking to Taco Bell or McDonald's or the gas station to buy more Marlboro Lights or Osco Drug because we were out of eyeliner. We were sneaking out late at night to walk around with boys & smoke Marlboro Lights. Where we lived had a population comparable to McMinnville & was only a few blocks away from Kansas City, MO which apparently has an even higher crime rate than I thought. 

This is how it compared to LA in 2006. Couldn't find a graph for 1994, but the stats were similar.

Here's KCMO to Portland in 2006...you know you were curious.

Needless to say, I am grateful she thinks cigarettes are disgusting. She doesn't have some high school boy trying to date her. She gets rides home from her friends' parents sometimes, but we live close enough to walk. She sneaks out to my roof...and tells me about it. I know the chances are high that this will all change very soon. I know next year she will be a freshman (fresh meat) in high school. In 8 months she can get her permit. In a year & 8 months she could be driving. It will all be over in no time just like they warned me! Dropping her off at the movies isn't that big of a deal now that I think about it. The next 4 years I will be wishing that was my only worry! I guess I will also be thankful that we don't live in Pan-Am & she wasn't chosen in the reaping to fight in the Hunger Games.

***This blog is not sponsored by the Hunger Games. The books are amazing. The movies also. If you want to be grateful your children aren't in the running to be sent to a fight to the death each year...check them out.***

Extra Chores Week

In an effort to make this more lovely for you, I decided to go with a lilac hue. You are welcome. Now let's get real...

Here's how Extra Chores Week began:

The FB post read:
Dear Kylie & AJ,
Do you know the level of rage this brings me to?
Are you aware that this is considered a party foul?
Do you think you could take care of this & then do the dishes before I lose my f***ing mind?
Thanks in advance,
Beastly Teen's Aggravated Mama

So I posted that on Saturday evening, because it is one of my biggest pet peeves, thinking this is a creative way to get this wrong righted. No such luck. In response to "stop yelling at me...you don't have to yell...I heard you the first time!!!" from Ky, I would like to say, I do have to yell because the funny FB attempt to get your attention didn't work. 
You know what worked? "Ky, could you please change the TP before I lose my fucking mind?" *in a on the brink of madness  very calm voice* BAM!! TP changed. 
Let me run you through some thoughts this brought on...Has she ever changed the TP? Does she even know how? Is that why it has taken 18 hours to get it accomplished? Is she struggling to figure it out now? Nope. That took her all of 7 seconds. She knew how to do it all this time & they did this shit to me twice in one day!!???!!! How can I stop this madness???

You know this is the best light bulb you have ever seen!

EXTRA 

CHORES

WEEK

!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention that after I posted that pic on FB, but before she saw it she PHONED ME FROM HER BEDROOM? Yep. That happened. 

Me: Did you just call from your bedroom?

Ky: Yep. Could you turn the wifi on?

Me: Don't ever call me from your bedroom again unless someone is in there trying to kill you. Is someone in there trying to kill you?

Ky: No. Can you turn the wifi on so AJ & I can watch Netflix?

Me: The wifi is already on, check your FB & do the dishes before you watch Netflix.

Then....she came out, I stupidly put in the wifi password (at least I still have some control) & the dishes did not get done on Saturday night. The 5 cellophane wrappers from microwave popcorn also did not get thrown away. Not even the one sitting 3 inches from the trashcan. A real favorite of mine.

It is Tuesday night. Let me tell you how Extra Chores Week is going. 

Not. Fucking. Great.

Sunday I had to yell & yell about those dishes getting done. One response to a request (an hour after the previous request) was "my nails are wet." Oh really? Neat. They finally got washed, left to dry all night on the counter. Also, neat. Monday morning she put them away before school. Monday night, no dishes done. So this is how the kitchen looks.

Pretty sweet huh...I'd like to add the Grey Goose was finished on Christmas Eve, Bombay was finished by my step-dad um in November I think...like at Ky's birthday party, wine was from Christmas & the vase has been there since November. They all have places to go, but she just leaves em...and leaves em and leaves em........

So tonight I decided to write the chores on the dry erase board again. A friendly reminder that they need to be done, DAILY. I then pointed out the list articulating what is expected of her (for the bazillionth time) & let her know there was no need to check things off like she's done in the past...this needs to stay up so there's no question of what is to be done.

Look..it is also a happy purple-y hue...

I bet you aren't shocked to hear it took me yelling down the hall 3 to 8,700 more times before she stomped out here & started washing dishes. Yep, she stomped on down the hall like there was a real injustice taking place here. Wait til I tell her I need the shower scrubbed. She might call CPS on me! I will save the shower til tomorrow. She's pretty sure no other kid in the world has or will ever be forced to do the slave labor that is her life. She's like an indentured servant...it's a real crime! Just ask her. She'll tell you all about it. 

***as I'm writing the dishes are FINALLY being washed...as in, during this paragraph...and here's a bonus for you: She just said to me, "I'm going to go take off my mask!"***

Now you know folks, that's twice in one week that dishes have cut into Teen Day Spa that apparently is operating in the master bedroom of this place. I'd go back there & see if I could get an appointment, but I am pretty sure the Health Department would shut that place down if they became aware of its existence!

Thank you for keeping me sane. If I wasn't writing this for you I may have yelled so loud I went into a coughing fit over the stupid dishes...like last night. 

Today Has Sucked

Have you seen the movie Orange County? With Colin Hanks, Jack Black, Catherine O'Hara & John Lithgow...oh & Leslie Mann? If you have you should be able to sing the title of this blog...if not, you should watch the fucking movie. It has a pretty great cast, soundtrack & well, it is hilarious! I own it. Maybe I'll watch it with you.

Now back to today. It sucked. It didn't all suck...just the majority of it. Let's start with some information you may not know, my friend wrote a blog about picking a word for the year. I copied her & chose grace as my word. I need to live with more grace in my daily life. That's the point of picking the word. So I chose grace because I know I need more of it. I need to give more grace to others. This is the grace I need to give to others: undeserved, unmerited, unearned favour. Like the person who parked more out of their parking space than in at Fred Meyer tonight, blocking the aisle so people had to back all the way out, yeah he was the end space & there was no reason any of us could see for this parking disgrace. I tried telling myself a couple of times that I don't know this person's story...it didn't help. I also know it's no one's fault, but my own that I returned Redbox movies after 8 days....$19.20 should be deducting soon. Joy. I had to go to 3 Redboxes to return those bitches. A word of caution, the caramel flan will in no way replace the joy that is a caramel brulee latte...so don't bother. I should've just bought milk & made my own damn coffee. At least it was free...except for the gas & the 30 mph drive across the bridge. Do people sense that I'm on a time constraint? Again, I don't know that person's story, maybe there's a perfectly good explanation for the 30 mph driving, but if it was just the rain, turn it around, drive to the DMV & surrender your fucking license now! 

That was how my day went. I forgot to take the Redbox movies back on my lunch, so I didn't get milk, I went to Starbucks because I had a free grande beverage & it tasted like burnt caramel, but I drank it anyway. Just because I didn't pay for it didn't mean I was wasting a beverage with a $4.55 value. After work I picked up Ky, yelled at her the whole way home, dropped her off, grabbed my Redbox rentals & set off to return them & BUY MILK! 

Here's the problem folks. I have a teenager. I really chose grace because of her. I need to show her more grace. Side note: Grace is one of her middle names. I need to take a breath before I start into a rant over chores. I need to figure out a way not to be yelling all the time. I want to know how to love this gorgeous girl that I created all the time. I do love her all the time. I just really want to know how to make it easier. Why is our relationship so fucking hard?!! The answer is probably because I was such a beast to my mom & this is what I deserve. Knowing that doesn't make it easier. Admitting it didn't make it go away. So here we are. Tonight I hung up on her because I was so irritated after 56 seconds of conversation. Then 3 minutes later when I picked her up, I spent the entire car ride home...2 minutes...yelling at her. Then I took myself to Fred Meyer & things just got worse. It wasn't anything big. Just someone who couldn't park & 2 Redboxes that were out of commission. Luckily the one at McDonald's was working. 

So now that I got that out. Let's focus on the positive. I got to see my secret sister today...and all of this misfortune on my part, made her (and her boss) laugh her ass off. I think she's still laughing. You're welcome... I got a new client. New clients are always nice to have. I got to see another friend of mine & have some laughs with her. My caramel flan latte experience saved someone else from that devastation. We have milk now. Skim & almond milk! I can make my coffee in the morning...in my new French press. My daughter bought me nail polish with her gift cards from Forever 21. She's out here making me laugh now. I wish it was like this all the time. 

I know it was just one day. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will use more grace. Tomorrow we start fresh, it is full of possibilities & I will fucking rock tomorrow. Today though...today has sucked.