Christmas decorating

Our Christmas decor is contained 10.5 months of the year in the corner of the attic carefully packed into 8 Rubbermaid totes & 3 large boxes which are all guarded day & night by 2 reindeer & a flamingo in a Santa hat. If you think that's excessive, please visit my mother's home. 

I love Christmas. I love the time spent with family. I love the feelings of joy this time of year brings. I love the food. I love the decorations. I love it all. It makes me warm & tingly. Sometimes circumstances make it a little harder to get into the spirit. The loss of loved ones, missing those who can't spend the holidays with us, finances...there are different stressors for everyone & everyone has something that is making their life less than perfect. I do my very best to count my blessings & keep my Christmas spirit WAY UP! Like I'm in a holiday movie & Santa is depending on it.

OK, if you know me, you know I can only sing loud if the radio is louder...I do sing along to all the Christmas songs...with the radio up loud!

So every year I'm waiting to eat my turkey dinner on Thanksgiving because I f**king love turkey & Thanksgiving marks the date that it is socially acceptable to start decorating for Christmas. I can't wait to risk my life pulling those crates out of the attic & unwrapping each carefully wrapped & stored precious decoration. I'd say it is like Christmas, but I'm Christmas decorating so it's literally Christmas... 

This year I was responsible & called in back up to get all the crates down, same back up as last year. Thanks Tracy! You are one strong woman!! Then I started opening up crates & making a huge mess which is still not cleaned up. I'm working on it, OK! 

I decorated in phases. 

Phase 1: Everything I Can Get Done Before Tay Gets Here Dec. 5th. 

Phase 2: Getting the Tree & Everything I Can Get Done While Tay Is Here. 

Phase 3: Get The Outside Lights Done While Tay Is Here (This required a super hero's help & the outside lights were up on the house the night before we took Tay to the airport.)

Phase 4: Finish Decorating The House, Clean Up Mess, Finish Outside Lights.

Phase 1 & 2 complete.

Phase 4 is a work in progress. More decorating has been done. Some cleaning has been done. My house is not however what I would refer to as "guest ready" by any stretch. It is not dirty, but it is cluttered & stacked with empty boxes, crates & piles of packing materials. So we can only allow in the people who truly love us & won't judge this display. I really tried to capture the best angles for those pics...but if you look closely you might see a Dyson cord travelling under the tree. I told you I'm working on it folks!

 Tonight I attempted to finish the outside lights because I needed a boost that only Christmas decorating can give. I put on my boots & gloves, grabbed a couple thumb tacks just in case & headed out onto the front porch to really light this place up. Someone told me I will never be able to live up to the previous dwellers from our childhood days, but I still enjoy lining this house with tiny white lights & wrapping them around every railing. I wrapped & carefully secured ends to keep a continuous coil of twinkling lights around the deck railings. They were all aglow. I checked each strand to see that every light was lit before I started winding them around railings. I was going to attach separate cords to the timer that has several plugs (like a surge protector...well I guess it is a surge protector if we're getting technical) so they did not get overwhelmed. Next, GENIUS! I should "build" a couple of trees on the front porch with the extra lights. So in the house I go for tree form materials. 

Those filthy bastards waited for me to go into the house to grab something, then blew a fuse! Now I have, oh, 8 billion unlit Christmas lights on my house & I am feeling like only Clark Griswold can understand my pain... Breakers, cords & light switches checked. I have to wait for daylight before I check every fuse on every strand. I won't travel up the ladder without someone very strong to catch me should I fall. Which means "I sure hope the blown fuse on those rotten sneaks isn't hanging from one of the gutters!!" 

I won't lie to you. This made me really want to cry. My hands were so cold my touchscreen wouldn't acknowledge them when I went to text my woes to my supportive friends & family. Settle down...I only whined to 3 via text & 1 in person...you're still getting the scoop while it is breaking news! (Unless you read this after December 17th & then, well, you might be behind the times...) So my cold, defeated, pity party throwing self came in for the night. Ooooh wait, I came in for the night after checking everything & then thinking "I'll get the reindeer out!" NOPE. That poor eating doe will look headless from the street! So I gave up. I'm not even trying to plug in Rudolph & see if he's still in tact. There are unlit lights adorning my house, an eating doe without any lights outlining her head, extensions cords & piles of lights littering the front porch AND I'M DONE! Until tomorrow. 

Hopefully tomorrow I will find the blown fuse, get the lights plugged into the proper outlets & the timer set...all without that beastly little kitten escaping to taunt me as I chase her around my driveway & yard hoping she won't dart out into the street to be flattened by a car. Did I mention she got out twice today? Well, she did! AND come to think of it there's a good chance the doe is headless because she too has been terrorized by the kitten. I found her laying on her side in the living room the other night after being awakened by a loud crash. When I righted her the kitten quickly jumped on her back to take her down again!

It's been a long, challenging day here. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start & one day closer to Christmas...so those lights have to work!!! Otherwise they are staying up til the end of January so I can get my full enjoyment out of them. Ha. Who are we kidding?! They will probably be up well into January either way!

Please cross your fingers that the blown fuse is not only accessible from a ladder!

I know what you are thinking..."she looks like a very sweet kitten sleeping among the Christmas crates." You have been fooled by her beastly kitten ways. This is how she looks after she breaks things & climbs bare legs with her razor claws.

Daddy Dearest

Today my heart is heavy. This Friday the 13th marks 6 years since we lost my dad. It doesn't seem like 6 years. I can still hear his voice in my head when I think of the silly things he used to say or how he'd call me "Ja" or "Bubba"...I'm still pretty sure he wanted some boys. Amber & I were his boys...he taught us to fish, not just to catch em, but to bait the hook, cast the rod & then patiently wait for the bite. I love to fish. I could do it everyday. I love to fight in a fish & see just how big it turns out to be, but just being out there on the water is like being with him again. He taught us to camp. We've camped in tents, the back of trucks & before he left this Earth he built a cabin that has turned us into spoiled campers. 

This is where we camp now. If you look closely you can see his 2 oldest granddaughters on the front porch. Every time I visit the cabin, the first time I walk through the door, I can still smell him. I hope that never goes away. It isn't a huge cabin, but Sissy & I can fit our families in there very cozily. That's what it is for. He wanted to retire there. He would have been happy to live there forever, but he settled for almost every weekend. 

Every Sunday that he drove home from there he would call to catch up with me. Usually "Hey Ja, what's going on? Girlfriend & I are headed back from the cabin..." He called his grandbabies Girlfriend among other things, like Princess Thunderbottom. Isis spent almost every weekend down there with him. She was his right hand girl. 

The day he told me he was sick was on a drive home from the cabin call. It started out like all the others in his fun way that he had. I suppose that makes it easier to tell your daughter her days with you are numbered. I can't imagine how I would approach a conversation like that. He started with "I've got good news, the doctors finally figured out what is wrong..." I was all excited to hear that everything was going to be better because it was late August & he'd been feeling less than 100% since he got diagnosed with Pancreatitis in January...no cancer then. But now it is August & they've figured out what is wrong, which he went on to tell me was a tumor & that a tumor on your pancreas is very likely cancer. Then he kept on with "we have been researching alternative treatments & I'm not doing chemo because the odds aren't worth losing my quality of life..." So we finished our talk while I sat in the touchless carwash with my daughter & my friend's daughter in the backseat. Then I texted my friend so she knew why I was bringing the kids back so soon.

This day changed it all. Everything went into fast forward. I lost some of my mind. I got a smartphone to keep track of basically every single thing I had to do. September 14, 2007 they gave him 3-6 months. He passed on December 13, 2007. I have never in my life experienced a shorter 3 months. I am grateful that we were able to say goodbye. Not everyone gets that. I have the comfort of knowing I was there to hold his hand at the end.

           Now, 6 years later, I have over 27 years of memories of this amazing man. I see his smile on my face everyday. Sometimes he comes to visit in my dreams & I'm pretty angry when I wake up from those dreams too soon, but I'm glad that I have them & that I wake up everyday. I still want to tell him my triumphs & cry to him when times get hard. I've picked up the phone a few times & had his number pulled up in my dialer before I realized it isn't going to reach him anymore. It doesn't get easier with time. A good friend told me, in the midst of the craziness of his last 3 months, that the reason it was so hard is because he was such a good daddy. They were right!

I know many who have suffered the loss of a parent, including my own daughter. It is unimaginable pain. There are some who would let this pain so close to the holidays ruin this time of year for them, but I know that would only make him sad. He never wanted to see us hurting. This has always been my favorite time of the year because no matter how far away we lived, this time of the year always meant we would be with our family. So I will continue our traditions & I will make more memories, new traditions with the family & friends that we still have with us. I will be grateful that they are still here & grateful for the time I did have with him. I will love silly things like leg lamps & flamingos with Santa hats on because they remind me of him. Sometimes I will be sad to think of things he should be here for. I know he's watching, but I'd sure prefer him in the flesh. I do believe that sometimes he's there in others. For those in my life that never met him, but somehow say something he always said to me without knowing...I am extremely thankful. Those moments can change everything. They turn a whole day around. They mean the world.

So my Christmas wish for you is love. Love to you & yours. Make sure you let them know how much you treasure them & that you wouldn't be the same without them. Hug them tight. Our days here are numbered. Cherish the tiny things that make you smile. Watch your favorite Christmas movie everyday if you want...sing along to every Christmas song. For my grinchy friends, thanks for tolerating my holiday cheer. You know I need it to get past the hard parts of the holiday season. Much love.

Oldest Daughter

There is this girl, well she's a woman now. She's my oldest daughter. I didn't give birth to her, but she's mine anyway. She came into my life when she was 15. Next month she will be 21. You do the math...I wasn't getting knocked up at 12 or having babies at 13. Here's how she became mine. Once upon a time, I dated her dad. That didn't last long. It wasn't meant to be. In the beginning he & I really liked each other. She wanted nothing to do with me. In fact, as 15 year old girls are prone to do, she would purposely ignore/exclude me. Then her dad started a new job, he was gone fishing for days at a time. I checked in on her, then when tested I set boundaries...yep, I made rules for this girl who was not my own & instead of hating me she respected me, then she loved me. I loved her. She was my scary movie girl. We braved Black Friday together. Her dad & I stopped dating. I was devastated. I kept in touch with her. When prom rolled around I picked out her shoes to go with her dress & helped her get ready. This became our thing. When she needed mom time I was there. I became her Oregon mama. I got to do all of those things that mamas & teenage daughters do with her because her mama was in California & she couldn't be here for all of that. I finally got to meet her mama at her high school graduation. A few months after she graduated, 6 if we're keeping track, she moved to California to be near her mom & all of her siblings...she has 4 sisters, 2 brothers & then Ky...so make that 5 sisters. That move was 2 years ago. Two. Long. Years.

Last week on Thursday we picked my girl up from the airport. We saw her face to face for the first time in 2 years. I counted down the days, then hours, then minutes til her arrival. I schemed up a vacation agenda that of course had more action than hours in the day. So we got her from the airport, grabbed our half of a smoked turkey at Gartner's in Portland, ate some Burgerville goodness for lunch...with peppermint chocolate shakes of course & headed for Redmond.










We were scheduled for 3 nights in Redmond. Coming in Thursday night, leaving Sunday morning. I brought the girls' stockings & our new Christmas jammies. This is a tradition. They know we will have coordinating jammies every year. So we got in Thursday night, opened up the presents, got in our cozy new jammies, relaxed & watched movies. Oh & attempted to do our holiday nail art which we found on Google images & Pintrest. We also threw my agenda out the window & decided to just RELAX!!!

Friday morning we woke up to SNOW!!! Apparently so did most of Oregon so we would have had it at home, but Redmond snow is better than Astoria snow so I'm glad we were there. Ky woke up at 7 or something awful like that. She had the good sense not to wake me until about 10. Even at 10 I was so sleepy it took me a minute to get my bearings & realize that we were on vacation in Redmond! Hallelujah!! After a big breakfast...at 2pm, we did a tiny amount of sledding then ventured to Bend for a trip to Bath & Body Works (3 wick candles were on sale OK! 2 for $22 & then I had a coupon for a free one if we spent $20 so 3 for $22!!) and some delicious BBQ at Baldy's. We also did some parking lot "skating", Tay kissed a buffalo in the Old Mill District, the girls picked icicles off random people's cars. Yes I was mortified, but that didn't stop them! They live to terrify me...

Saturday we had a much needed lazy day. Our big adventure was to Starbucks & the grocery store...we couldn't have turkey without cranberry sauce & Tay was on the fast track to earn her Starbucks gold card. That is a very high privilege! Never fear. SHE GOT IT! Then we had to start earning mine, still working on it. I think our Starbucks trips were the biggest expenditure on this trip. 

Back to terrifying me....Sunday, after yet another "separate transactions please" trip to Starbucks, we decided to make the most of this snow on our final day in Redmond. Oh yeah, we decided to stay Sunday as well for two reasons: 1. We needed another day of snow & lounging. 2. We thought it would warm up & our drive home would be safer.                                                  You know, like 98% option 1 & 2% option 2...

The girls walked on the ice on the pond by the resort restaurants & store. The pond with the signs that said "Please stay out of the pond." Then they posed on the ice because they assured me the sign was a liar & it was not thin ice. Next at the fountain where we turned to go to our house, Tay was very fond of this fountain & thought she needed to see how it was doing with the below zero temperatures, so the girls went out on the ice again. They were well aware of my fear that they would end up in the freezing cold 

water with an instant case of hypothermia, but this did not slow them down. I mean they'd already walked into one pond advertising thin ice, survived to tell about it, then ripped some giant icicles off of a bush outside the store...I was sure we would be asked never to return to Eagle Crest. Thankfully we were not. After surviving all this fun, we went night sledding on the golf course. Turns out after some legwork on all our parts, the best hill was the one in

 our backyard. The girls had to take a break at the 10th hole before we could walk back to the house. They also took a step into a sandtrap. Couldn't tell the snow was waist deep there until they were in snow up to their waists!!! It was -3 outside while we enjoyed sledding on the golf course...at about 5:30pm. Thanks to my mama we had all the snow gear we needed & were toasty warm. Actually they were sweating & wanted the windows rolled down so they could hang out in the below zero air while we drove in search of bigger hills on the golf course. We found none that didn't end in trees or water. So to Starbucks we went. I needed to get a move on if I wanted to earn my gold card & we needed the caffeine boost to get everything packed for our 8am departure Monday morning. We left at 8:45am because I overslept...because I was up til 2:30 packing the car... We didn't want to come home. It was so pretty all covered in white, but we had a Christmas tree to get still & lights to put on the house. Tay still needed to eat at Urban Cafe & Fultano's before she could go back to Cali. We had to return to Astoria for at least a night...we came home for 2 nights. We did 

stop along the way...halfway between the equator & the North Pole. Seemed fitting on our Christmas vacation! Kylie didn't think so when I flipped a U turn (we love those) to take the pic. But Tay & I had majority vote, that happens a lot, so she got out & took our picture grumbling all the while. There was also a trip to Vancouver Mall & Cinetopia for Frozen in 3D! Yep we needed more snow in our lives.                                                           We made it safely home. My new studless snow tires really rocked. I asked the girls if they felt their lives were in danger at all during the 4 days of driving on packed snow & ice covered roads. The answer was "NOPE!" Woohoo! I still drove very carefully. I had precious cargo.                                                            Home to Astoria & the closer we got, the faster I heard the minutes tick by. It was like in Redmond time stood still for us. We relaxed, slept in, ate breakfast in the afternoon & had not a care in the world. I knew it couldn't last forever, but I sure wanted it to. We came home. Time started to fast forward. Tay took me to Urban Cafe for dinner while Ky babysat. Ky got another snow day so we got our tree & decorated it. For the first time ever all I did was the lights, garland & tree topper. The girls did all the rest. We ordered Fultano's & convinced my new super hero (who will remain anonymous because you don't go around revealing super heroes' identities) to come over & climb the steep ladder to hang our outside lights. Our Christmas Vacation checklist was complete. 

This morning I awoke before dawn, got the call that there was a 2 hour delay for Astoria schools. told the girls to sleep another hour so we would have better roads, got another call...make that a 3 hour delay. Ky is going to the airport with us. Hit Warrenton Starbucks to get 7 more stars...yep, 7 separate transactions. It makes me very nervous, but apparently we are not the only people behaving like assholes so whatev's. Drove to Portland to have lunch with Tay's dad. Took the girls downtown for a little shopping, then Starbucks & to the airport. Here's where things get ugly. 

Now we know Alaska has a strict 40 minute cut-off. If you're not checked in 40 minutes before your plane is scheduled to take off they will not let you even attempt to brave security & get to your gate. Yep the combination of rush hour traffic & 2 agents working the entire Alaska desk meant that when we finally got to the counter there were 30-35 minutes before take off & they would not let her on that flight. Her dad had to bail us out by purchasing a ticket from Southwest to get her home tonight. There were tears...more than the anticipated goodbye tears. She made it home, about 4 hours later than planned, but she is safely home in Cali. I did my best not to cry. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in public. The most hated crying for me however is crying in front of Ky. I don't want to make her sad too.

Ooooh look...a frozen fountain & more icicles!!!!

I will miss my girl. I'm so proud of the woman she is becoming. I love that she calls Ky out on silly things & that Ky doesn't get all bent out of shape over it. We laughed so hard during this trip. I wish I had both my girls all the time. The combination makes the world a better place. I can't believe how grown up they are. They still have lots of life ahead of them, more growing to do, but they have both changed so much in the past 5 years & I'm so overjoyed to see the ladies they are becoming. (Not the most lady-like of all ladies, but as Tay says "just be yourself...if they don't like it too bad!') We decided that this should be our new Christmas tradition. Another reason that she is my oldest daughter...she loves Christmas like I love Christmas. So from now on she'll need to be here the week after Black Friday (she works retail so no vacationing that day) to get the tree, play in the snow & get our house ready for the Christmas season! I really can't think of a better way to start out the month of December than with snow, decorating & my two absolutely gorgeous girls! And Christmas movies...we watched every one that we own this week!!!

 

                                   ****Disclaimer****                                              
                                                                                                             Tay enjoys abbreviating every word. Please don't be angry or too annoyed when you hear me speaking Tay. If you see me looking a little sad, maybe throw out some Tay for me. Here are a few to get you started:                                                           perf = perfect                                                                                         Fult's = Fultano's                                                                                   amaz = amazing (duh)                                                                            gorge = gorgeous                                                                                      

And if you really want to help...SING! My girls were singing & dancing all week long. Especially Tay who knows every word to every song, even the Christmas ones. If it's instrumental she fills in the words.

LOVE THEM!!!!!!

What are we doing America?

Alright...here goes. Thank you Kallie for this inspiration.

So here's a little article you can checkout, if you haven't already, that is a prime example of the victim society being condoned...being taught in this country. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/11/is-peanut-butter-and-jelly-racist_n_1874905.html Go ahead. Read this bullshit. I also read the article this one is based on...you should read it. It doesn't exactly say "we are banning PB&J."  http://portlandtribune.com/pt/9-news/114604-schools-beat-the-drum-for-equity

Did you read it? Are you pissed? Aggravated? Confused that you grew up poor eating what is considered a "white privilege"? I am. Now let's get real. I'm going to give you some facts that you may not know about me. I'm a single mom (you should know this if you've read any previous blogs, but just in case) who until 2009 worked 2-3 jobs. Oh wait, this summer I picked up a part time job to make ends meet. So I'm a single mom, small business owner who isn't always (or ever for about 3 years) living it up with a fat bank account. In fact, I kind of want to see how much money I spent on $30 overdraft fees this year. I told you we are getting REAL here. I bet I could buy something nice...we'll see. With that being said, there are times when I've made a trip to the store & thought "okay, we need milk, bread, and what else can get us through on the last $20 I have until payday?" Yep, you guessed it PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY! Well I'll be...here I thought all this time it was a household favorite because sometimes ham & cheese are just too much money to spend, but NOPE. We're privileged. Just so you know, I buy whatever is on sale...to Ky's dismay. Oh & to really blow you away...there have been times when my income qualified my daughter for free or reduced lunches, but she doesn't like anything at school that isn't cookies or chips so PB&J it is! 

That right there...LOVE.

Onto the big issue. I am not racist. I was raised in the suburbs of Kansas City, MO and white people were kind of the minority. When I moved here I was pretty appalled, as a freshman in high school, at the amount of bigotry & ignorance in this small town. AND the mostly white population! I did not grow up being the most popular girl. I was bullied. So racism & bullying are two things I do not condone. I try to instill in my daughter that people are people and should not be judged based on their appearance whether it is skin color, weight, hair color, clothing...judge the person by their actions. Not their looks. Let's be clear on how far this goes because sometimes I feel like all I'm doing is correcting phrases she hears from the kids & adults in her life. I do not tolerate "ginger"...yep. You red-haired people are safe with me. "Mexican" always brings the question "is the person you're referring to actually from Mexico? Because if not, they aren't Mexican." We don't call people retarded. AND TO BE CLEAR...the word "nigga" or any other version of it makes me want to RIP OUT YOUR THROAT!

I think all kids are subjected to some form of bullying at some point in their lives. It is terrible & unfortunately part of growing up. I was bullied. Not everyone likes me. Ky still deals with a few girls who have been bullying her for years. Detentions do nothing to stop these people. What I say to her is these people, who are so quick to pick on someone else, are very likely coming from a home where they endure bullying from the people who are never supposed to hurt them. This doesn't make it right, but those are the sad facts. So now we are trying to stop bullying, be politically correct, not offend anyone. These are all well & good. The road to Hell though, what's it paved with? Oh yes, GOOD INTENTIONS. So we are giving trophies for being on the team, even though this is in fact a competitive sport, made to have winners & losers. People are suing (and winning) over things like spilling their own damn coffee & getting burnt. Ummmm...my espresso machine doesn't put a warning label on my coffee mug every morning, but I know if I spill it that shit is gonna hurt! Coffee is made with boiling hot water. BOILING HOT! It shouldn't take a genius to figure out that boiling water burns. It is called common sense, but if you don't have it, or use it, you're rewarded. That person made a million (or somewhere in the ballpark) from a burn so I guess to make a million you don't have to be smart. Or have common sense.

Then, here we are in this land built by people who came & well, stole it from the natives. Unless you are a Native American...like 100%, not 2% so you get a break on your student debt, YOUR ANCESTORS WERE IMMIGRANTS. Yep, it is true. Glad I could enlighten you. You may have been born here, your family may have been one of the original founding families. Good for you. Thanks for PB&J! Just because someone is new here, doesn't mean they don't have rights. It also doesn't mean that we should be losing our rights. I mean seriously...we can't say the Pledge of Allegiance in school?!! Or trust in God without offending someone?!!! I can't refuse to give my daughter a vaccination that I think it is useless, but the school requires it in order for her to attend, however if it were against my religion then I could. That's pretty ridiculous. I don't know when it happened that accepting other cultures meant ours was no longer acceptable. That is the problem. 

We are creating a nation of people who expect something for nothing. Who can't figure out that hot coffee is HOT! Who think that if someone treats them badly they should shoot up an elementary school or become a rapist or serial killer. Really?!? This is all very sad. Here's what is even more sad:

THE MEDIA MAKES THIS MORE IMPORTANT THAN REAL PROBLEMS WE ARE FACING...like fighting wars we aren't welcome, or wanted, in or giving more money to other countries when we are so upside down that we should just start liquidating assets. How much do you think they could get for all the government's vacation properties? We stop paying our soldiers, but continue to pay Congress. I don't think they should be over there fighting a war that we aren't wanted in, but dammit I respect their willingness to lay down their lives to defend our freedom!! They make a choice to sign up for something they may never come home from. If they do come home, they will never be the same. We sit here & bitch about traffic or waiting in line or one of a billion other things that we will not remember tomorrow while they risk it all so we can take it for granted. Isn't it sad we can't pledge our allegiance to that flag they're fighting for?

I believe all of this enabling is what some of my friends (God love them!!) would call the "pussification of America." I like to call it a victim complex because "pussification" implies that women (and kittens) are weak...I hope no one was offended. If you were, you should probably suck it up & um not let everything that hurts your feelings be an excuse to not be a grown up. Being a grown up sucks. It's really going to suck for these kids that we are teaching that everything they do is the best. I'm all for inspiring imagination & creativity, but do you really want a bunch of young adults heading off to college without ever being told they didn't quite make the grade? I mean really? Or how bout we send them out in to the workforce expecting to walk into whatever job they want, make 6 figures & not ever have to do a damn thing. Is that the way the world works? Nope. So maybe we should stop enabling & prepare our future for that cold, hard, REAL world. I'm not talking the REAL WORLD on MTV. Those bitches are a whole other blog on what's wrong in America.

And just one more question...let's see if you read the second article. Is it acceptable to say "Black & Brown people"? I was sure that wasn't how we were doing things these days.

Thank you

I've been reading all of these thankful posts on Facebook & I have to agree with my friend who recently wrote about what she is thankful for...I love them. I am thankful everyday for so many things. I'm thankful that she encouraged me to write this blog. I thought about getting on this 30 Days of Thanks program, but sometimes I don't get on Facebook everyday...sometimes I am on it all day long. Then it was 4 days in and I thought "shit...now I have to catch up...maybe next year." 

Just because I'm not posting every day what I'm thankful for doesn't mean I'm not thankful and it sure doesn't mean I don't like this idea. I F***ING love it! I love it because so often it is easier to see the negative, the hard things, the disappointments, the ugliness in the world. Those are right there in your face...screaming "LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!!! I'M RUINING!!!!" So we see these too often & while we are busy focusing on this so much good is missed. We are all guilty of this. It is too easy to do. You get caught up in the negativity & something great is overlooked. That something great isn't always GREAT BIG. Maybe it is a squeal from a precious baby or kisses given by an adorable 4 year old. These seem so small, but they can sure brighten your day. They can make your day. That baby will be grown soon, the 4 year old even sooner & then I'll only have the memories of those moments because they were fleeting. 

Puppy is a cat for those of you that don't know.

This weekend has been long & busy. Tonight is the slowest night for sleep over guests with only 3 extra teenage girls. I can hear them laughing & being ridiculous back there. I love it. Don't get me wrong, I'm also terrified. I have made contact with the outside world. There are people standing by in case I disappear in the night. My house was clean for about 2 hours today. I hope to regain at least 75% of that cleanliness by tomorrow night. We'll see. For now I will sit here with my feet up while Pup gets as close to me as she can without being on the laptop. She's a real help. In her defense, she did have to hideout most of the day from the small children & screaming girls. She's a laid back type of cat...may have some social anxiety. She slept on the Ugg boxes in the closet to keep herself out of harm's way.

Saturday at 5:30 p.m.

I am incredibly thankful for the crazy life I lead. I'm thankful for this gorgeous house we live in thanks to my amazing stepdaddy. It has unfinished places & a few rough edges, but it's coming along & I love it more everyday I am here. I love that I can have 7 extra bodies here on a Friday night & there is still room for more. We didn't even use the couches, recliner or air mattress!! We did all share one bathroom & that was a challenge. Oh we have 1.5 bathrooms, but Ky's was too scary even for her to use until yesterday when I put my foot down & made her *pause for dramatic effect* CLEAN HER OWN TOILET!!! Still one shower is a challenge with 3 grown women & 5 children aged 4 months to 14 years. Almost every towel was in the dirty clothes by Saturday. Those towels were clean & folded neatly in their cupboard Friday night. 

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

Sunday at 4 p.m. Yep that's my old lady shower cap hanging on the shower door...sometimes you don't need wet hair!

I'm so thankful to Jay Bjaranson. There were a lot of years where I wouldn't have said that. A lot of fight & struggle. He & I didn't see eye to eye on much. We did, however, create a beautiful daughter & then 9.5 years later he gave her an amazing little brother. I'm very fortunate to get to be a part of that little guy's life. He recently moved with his mama & brothers to St. Helens so he isn't just down the road anymore. This weekend he was with us. I forget how hard having a 4 year old around is every time...then he comes to visit & reminds me. He's a good boy. He's also a boy. And 4 years old. He cries if things don't go his way. He helps me around the house. He folded laundry with me last night until he fell asleep 20 minutes into Open Season, he helped me put things in the attic today, he colored on my couch cushion with an ink pen, that bought him a trip to the corner & a talk about how we need to respect other's things, not lie when we do something we shouldn't & that even though I am angry I will never stop loving him. Then he helped me wrap Ky's birthday presents & when he left with Aunt Mouse tonight I picked him up to hug him tight. While I held him in my arms one last time this weekend, he took my face in his hands & kissed me about 20 times. I am so glad to be his Jasmine. I love him so!!!

Ky's birthday flowers & Jay.

Talon loves taking selfies.

Of course I'm thankful for Ky as well. She's the best thing I have ever done. She's also the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't think she will get easier for a very long time, but we will be alright. She's coming along pretty well...getting better with age. She hugs me more these days & for that I am severely grateful!

Jay not only gave me Ky & then brought Talon along for us. Because of him I have my in-laws...or out-laws as we sometimes say. Out-laws because I was never married to Jay & the other out-law (who deserves credit for the term) has been long divorced from Jeff. In-law or out-law...they are my family. I am thankful everyday for them. Sometimes we get busy & don't see each other or talk for weeks, but then something brings us, all or some, together & it's like we were together just yesterday. I can fall asleep on the couch while whatever sporting event is on because in a Bjaranson house, if there's a man around there's a game on. I can eat way too much, laugh too much, talk without using my filter...they love me despite my sailor mouth (and our football rivalry. GO CHIEFS! Which reminds me...I'm thankful my football team is 9-0 & hopeful they will beat the Broncos next Sunday!). I've stood with them through some of the hardest times that family has faced & I'll be there for more as that is the way life goes. I've laughed & celebrated their triumphs & happiness. They keep giving me more nieces & nephews to love. I can't imagine my life without them. 

I'm thankful for my family...the ones that share my DNA & the ones brought to me by 2nd or 4th marriages. Some have been there since before I was born, others only a few years. I love them all. They made me who I am today. They loved & supported me even in my least lovable moments...ages 11-18 would be a good example. They gave me traditions to pass on to Ky. So many memories & memories to be made. So much love. Laughter & joy. I don't see them enough. I think of them daily. I try to visit...I should visit more. I love them so!

Now let's talk about my bests. I have these friends that I could call anytime from anywhere & they would do whatever they could to give me whatever I need. They know my deep dark secrets (duh....I have those), my pains, my joys, my heartaches, what movie ending will make me instantly pissed, that I hate crying & that sometimes I need to cry anyway. They are like coming home. Some I've had for years & years, some have moved thousands of miles to wind up nearby again by chance. Some haven't been in my life as long as others, but no matter how new or old, they are mine, I am theirs & I would move mountains for them. There are some who I only talk to a few times a year, then they pop into town without notice & make me see things as they are...help me see what the reasons were that things happened because you know I believe everything happens for a reason. You just don't always understand the reason right away. They are all bests for different reasons. Whatever the reason, they are my bests. They make me whole.

I am thankful that I chose happiness. I used to be more sarcastic...no joke...I know that's a hard one to wrap your head around if you experience me regularly, but it is true. Let's get things straight. I still yell at drivers who I believe to be suffering from low IQ and poor decision making. I yell at my precious child far too often. I am a yeller. I get mad. There are some people who I dislike in a fairly grave way...and by fairly I mean brutally. I do not wish them harm, but I feel my insides twisting & churning when I happen by them & have to behave like a civilized adult. I'm human alright...! Now back to choosing happiness. I believe that happiness is a choice. It is far more beautiful than misery. Still, there are those who choose misery. It takes a lot of energy to be unhappy. So a while back I decided to stop wasting so much of my energy on negativity, to try & let go of those things I cannot change (like the price of gas), to look for & embrace the positive in situations and to forgive those who have caused harm. I don't forgive them for them, I forgive them for me. As I said, I am not a professional at this by any stretch of the imagination (or resume writer's fluffing), but I do my best to find the good. It took me a long time to really hang on to this. This was something my daddy was so amazing at. Maybe he is the one that makes me stop & look for that silver lining. I know I feel him more when I do.

I am thankful for my health. It got me great rates on my life insurance policies!

Tay, Ky & me our last Christmas together

I am thankful for those who came into my life for a short time. One in particular left me with someone who will be in my life forEVER. She is my Oldest Daughter. I did not give her life. I didn't know her from the start. She didn't want to like me at first...I made her love me. I stole her heart by baking cupcakes, scary movie nights & our mutual love of Christmas. I'm sneaky like that! Now we have matching tattoos. Nothing says LOVE like matching tattoos! She is gorgeous & incredible, kind & fun, an amazing woman. She doesn't live nearby anymore. I miss her. I'm thankful that she will be with us for a week of Christmas mayhem in December. I'm counting down on the fridge calendar & in my head 

(24 days). I. Can. Not. Wait. To. See. Her!!!!!!!

This could get really long because I'm just really thankful for so much in my life. So for now  I'll stop. I won't stop being thankful. I'm just going to stop writing about it tonight. Don't think for a minute that if you are in my life & I didn't hint about you enough that you knew I meant you in this thank you note that I am not thankful for you...I am. 

Settle down.

Thank you for reading!!!!

                     

14 years

With Grandpa Mark on day 1.

My baby girl turns 14 in a couple of days. It is hard to believe. I look at the precious angelface I held in the early morning hours of November 11, 1999 and wonder where the time went. How did she get so smart, sassy, beautiful, witty, curvy, and well, OLD???!!!!! I have barely aged a year...as long as my grey stays hidden...yet she's changed so much. It is unbelievable.

Look at that tiny baby girl. 5lbs. 3 oz.

13 months old on Christmas with Grandpa Bob.

A little over a year old with her daddy.

Sadly, she's already lost 3 very important men in her life. First Grandpa Bob went, then Grandpa Mark and last year her daddy. It is too bad that they will miss so much of her life, but I know they're watching over her. I need them to watch over her & me. I can't do all this alone. I remember being 19 years old with her on the way wondering if I was going to be able to do this. How could I do my best for her? Would I be a good mama or fail miserably? I think all parents have these thoughts. If they don't, they should! Being a parent is scary shit!! Here are just a few of those terrifying moments:

1. Going home from the hospital without my tiny baby. She was so scrawny she didn't have enough body fat to keep her blood sugar levels stable. So I stayed in the hospital an extra night & then had to go home while she stayed 3 more. I cried & cried. There were a lot of visits to the hospital those 3 days.

2. I brought my baby home on day 6, I got a fever of 104 degrees, I had mastitis...that HURTS!!! It finally cleared up by day 7 & then my mama had to go home. I cried & cried after she left.

3. She had to go to the emergency room at 6 weeks. She had a UTI. Her fever was so high. 

4. She was a little over 2 when I broke her thumb. She would climb in the front of the car & then between the seats to the back. I opened the back door to put some things in the back seat, her thumb was on the hinge. Instead of sleeping in our new house that night we went to the ER & she got stitches all the way around her thumb. It broke the growth plate. Her right thumb isn't as big as the left.

5. She had to get stitches above her eyebrow when she fell at daycare. This happened about 6 months after the broken thumb. Another trip to the ER.

6. You may recall, I dropped her off at school when she didn't have school in Kindergarten & she walked almost all the way home before I passed her on my way to work. 

(You guessed it, 3-6...I cried & cried!)

7. She stayed with her dad 5 days a week for my last term of massage school...it was the a long 11 weeks. Not because I didn't trust him to take care of her, but because I always had her all week. He had her weekends. Thank goodness he was able to do that so I could finish school. 

8. She went to middle school.    9. She walked home for the first time.   10. She flew to California by herself.

11. I wasn't with her the day Jay's boat went down. We were in Seattle for my sister's 30th birthday when I got the call. She was in good hands, another Thank the Lord moment. Mandy kept her away from any news of what was happening until I could get home. Then I had to tell her why I was home.

12. They called off the search for Jay's boat. I had to tell her that. Heartbreak & more tears. 

13. She turned 13. WHAT?????!!!!!! She has boobs & curves & her little muscular body now resembles the ladies on the covers of women's fitness magazines.

I have made countless mistakes. I will be the first to admit it. There are plenty of things I wish I had done differently, but you don't get a 2nd chance. You just have to learn from the things you wish you could change & do better next time. Every day you just wake up & try to be better than you were yesterday. She thinks I am the meanest ever some days...other days I think she likes having me around. Either way, she's stuck with me & I love that beastly little (not so little anymore) girl. 

She's wild. I think that when it comes to the things she wants to do, she thinks "if I do this how much trouble will I be in? OK...I'm doing it anyway." That kind of spirit is hard to live with on a daily basis. I know that one day it will mean she's a strong women & it will be an amazing trait that will be extremely beneficial to her. Right now it is causing me more & more greys that need covering! This wild spirit is paired with a double streak of stubborn. She comes by it honestly. She is a product of two very strong willed people. Sometimes when she is really mad she makes a face that looks exactly like Jay. There were 12 years where every time I saw that face, I wanted to punch her (You heard me. Punch her. I didn't. Just sayin' I wanted to.)...now it still makes me crazy, but it also lets me see Jay once in awhile & for that I am grateful. He was taken way before his time.

She's gorgeous. She says that I have to say that because I'm her mom & anyone else who says that says it because they're my friend or family. So I guess they are all biased...or she's just gorgeous. The most recent comments when I showed a couple of friends who hadn't seen a pic of her in a while were "You're in trouble." and "Oh Jasmine....I'm sorry." Then, to another guy at the table, "She's not even 14. Don't even think about it!" Oh and a couple more that I really loved: "I'm not OK with those boobs either...yes please call if you need some punks scared off." "I don't approve of that outfit...she should only be allowed to wear a big, baggy sheet!...or garbage bag." and "Oh it's been a while since I scared anyone with him, call me if you need us...that'd be fun!" Yep, my list of scary guys is still in tact & growing. Hallelujah!

She's extremely precious when she's sleeping...or fake sleeping like in this one. 

She has a very kind heart. She is still a teenage girl, but she has & always has had a kindness & thoughtfulness that make me so proud of her. Once in a great while I get to be on the receiving end of this...there are no words for how this makes me feel. I know she is a teenager & that is why those moments are few & far between, but I see her actions towards others more frequently. My granny says it is best if your children are their best self in the presence of others. She is. 

Ky holding Talon for the first time. We went straight from her dance recital to the hospital. June 12, 2009

Showing him pictures of their dad at the cabin. August 2013

She loves her baby brother. He is extremely lovable. I can't get enough of that little guy either. I'm happy that we have the opportunity to see him regularly. As I write this he is asleep in her room. We got to have him all of her birthday weekend. If she had her way, we would have him every single day! He is the only baby she ever held at the hospital...all the others she waits to hold. She's scared of babies I'm pretty sure!

At the pumpkin patch. October 2013

She is very independent. Another trait that will be a godsend when she's an adult, but one I'd rather not fight over now. Here's another Worst Mama Confession: she gets herself up for school everyday. I am not a morning person. I hate waking up. She has been getting up for years. I do set my alarm to make sure she's awake, but then quickly drift back to sleep until she says I need to drive her to school. I also don't make lunches. And I yell in the morning when provoked...she isn't a morning person either. She provokes a lot.

Sorry. 

She's funny. And a bit of a smart ass. Yep also something that's passed down through generations. Sorry I'm not sorry! Someone needs to brighten up this world so we will keep up our quick (sometimes inappropriate, sometimes a bit embarrassing) wit and you will like it! 

She hates when I take her picture, but takes a billion ridiculous selfies....um just so we are clear...I am a much better photographer than her! It isn't like I don't let her preapprove pics. Seriously...you should see some of the dumb ass faces she Snapchats. My stuff is way better! And yes I just said she makes dumb ass faces. It's true. Ask her friends. Not duck faces either, because I will give those lips a little knuckle sandwich filler if I see some duck faced posing going on. Yuck. 

When it comes to her birthdays, I have created a monster. She had her golden birthday at 11. For those of you in the dark, your golden birthday is the year you turn the age of the day you were born...November 11 is her birthday so she turned 11 & well I had to make that golden birthday one to remember. We went to Lincoln City for the weekend. Stayed in my grandparents' time share, got pedicures, shopped...acted like we were high rollers. So she turns 12 the next year...what do you think she wants? Obviously a better birthday than the year before. We stayed at the hotel I worked at that year. Went out to dinner, were chauffeured to & from dinner in a classic car the Cannery Pier Hotel has for chauffeuring guests. It was awesome. Then 13...well that was the first year without Jay so I'm not going to lie, I just wanted to keep her happy. Anything to keep her mind off passing that first set of birthdays & holidays without him. So we stayed in Portland at Hotel Modera, had dinner with my sister & niece at Benihana, my niece stayed at the hotel with us, we shopped all day the next day. It pretty much kicked ass...even though I took away her birthday party because she was being so bad in school last fall. You want to hear the thanks I got? This year she informs me that this year she wants to have a party for family, a party for friends, then go stay in Seattle for the dinner/hotel/shopping portion of the program. Um......NO! Let's back it up here. Seattle: oh HELL NO! I have made 3 bad trips to Seattle in a row now. I will be steering clear of that city for a while. Separate birthday parties. Again...HELL NO! 

That leads us to tonight. This weekend, which happened to be a 6 day weekend if you attend Astoria School District, we have had no less than 4 extra bodies at the house Friday & tonight, with the potential for 7 tomorrow night. I am barely maintaining my sanity. Don't get me wrong. I love our guests. I wish some of them could just be here all the time. The challenges lie in: feeding them, having enough clean towels, having access to the bathroom when you need it, fitting everyone in the car if we choose to go somewhere (I can not), getting the house in order for the parade of teens who will be passing through Sunday all while working every day. The past couple of months work has been slow. This is not ideal, but when the house needs cleaning or we have visitors (new babies especially) I really don't hate not having to go into work. This week I have worked 5 days in a row. (Yes I am well aware that most people do this...I used to work 6 every week...I don't anymore. I'm very blessed.) Tomorrow I am going to help out at the spa where I haven't worked in a year & a half. It is only one appointment. I am so grateful for the extra income and the opportunity to fill in in a pinch. I also have forgotten & then remembered I'll be working tomorrow morning (about 3 times so far). Please, oh please, let those kids not trash the house for the hour & a half I will be away!!! Then on Monday I will be hanging out with 3-4 extra teenage girls (don't be offended my lil teen fan...I do love you!) instead of relaxing on my one day off. That day off happens to be my little angelface's 14th birthday. Do you think they will let me take them to a 3D animated movie???? *fingers crossed*

I hope this year I am a better mama than I was last year or the year before. This mama stuff isn't for the faint of heart. I am constantly reminded of the terror I subjected my sweet mama to during my teen years. Yep. Saying sorry doesn't remove the curse. It doesn't even get you a reduced sentence. I'm fairly confident I am approaching superhero status after all parenting has subjected me to. Maybe that's why I've really been loving my boots this fall...they're part of the uniform! Good thing they are cute!!

I am so blessed to have the girl that I have. I have grown so much in her 14 years & I know we've only just begun. I'm anxious to meet the woman she will become, but I truly am not in a hurry to get there. The years are already flying by so fast. I look back over the years & they don't seem so long ago, but they are. 

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A FEW YEARS CAN MAKE!

Ky's first sturgeon. 2008 I think.

Ky, Tay (my other girl) & I. September 2009

November 2011

1st day of 8th grade. September 2013

Happy Birthday Kylie Alice Grace Bjaranson!!! Love you the mostestest!!!