Thank God for friends, family & vacation!

A couple of years ago someone encouraged me to start this blog. I needed a funny name, mostly so I could laugh a little when I wanted to scream instead. So I called it Craven A Vacation. Then I started to tell you about the things that were making me want to scream, many that held a strong resemblance to the teenage version of me. So I asked "Does this make me a hypocrite?" Here are my answers, thoughts, comments on this:
1. If I thought I needed a vacation two years ago, today I need that vacation times 3700! 
2. If my rules, boundaries & attempts to set my daughter towards a better path than I chose for myself makes me a hypocrite then I'm just going to keep on being a big ol' hypocrite!

This Mom job is rough. I've known that I'm a fighter for a while now, but I'm constantly surprised to still be going rounds because at this point I've been knocked down a lot & sometimes staying down sounds like maybe it could be just the little vacation I need. Not really...I need more than a 10 second count. More like 10 months all expenses paid, with visits from my loving family & friends, Jim by my side & a whole lot of relaxing. Daily massages? Yes please! That isn't really an option with this Mom job. Even on vacation you're still concerned with what's happening wherever your precious off-spring is hanging out while you have a much needed breather. For about 3.5 years my level of "concern" has been climbing from a normal, rational level to an all-out, high alert with back-up plans in place & ready to implement. "Would you like to purchase vacation insurance for $12.50 per person?" "Why yes, yes I would. Was there even a question!? Who knows what could throw a wrench in my plans at this point!"

Last weekend I got to relax & enjoy myself. This weekend I plan to repeat that on another weekend away. We have been planning both of these weekends for a number of months...this coming weekend was set in motion last year. So despite the chaos of our daily lives, especially in the past couple weeks, I chose vacation. I feel very blessed that we are able to get away. I also feel some guilt that there are other places I'm needed & choosing vacation means I'll not be there. I know other very capable people will be there & it is alright that I will not. I know that I need to relax. I know that we need to relax. I know we have earned it. We have more than earned it. I know the hard choices we've made lately are the right choices. The right choice almost always seems to be the hardest choice. I'm going to take this weekend, enjoy our friends, enjoy our time away, be grateful that I have this time to breathe in the midst of this current chaos & then I will come home, hopefully at least a tiny bit recharged, and resume my Mom duties.

I'm very blessed to have the friends, family and numerous other supporters that I do. Without that my fight would not have near as much endurance. Thank you for having my back. I'm looking forward to the day we can all celebrate a big victory. For now we'll just keep celebrating even the smallest of victories. That's a heck of a lot better than letting the set-backs crush us.

Sweet, Sweet Daddy

That little quote in the corner is from a
Dove Promises chocolate he gave me
when I visited him in the hospital. It says
"Smile. People will wonder what you've been up to."

My sweet, sweet daddy...that was a name he jokingly signed along with others like Daddy Dearest in all our cards, but it fit him, he was the sweetest. The last birthday we celebrated with him was 8 years ago. Today he would have 61 candles on his cake. Well honestly, probably 1 so he didn't run out of breath or burn the house down! Maybe a 6 and a 1. Instead, I lit a candle for him. If he was here I wouldn't be lighting it because it would probably plug his nose in seconds, but he isn't bothered by allergies anymore so I lit one that smells sweet & summery because he was so sweet & we had so many fun summers together.

I think the past couple years I've missed him just a little more. Instead of the passing of time making it easier, new moments make me wish he was here still, not just silently watching. I wish he could meet Jim because I know they'd be pals. I wish he could see our house plans, help me build a firepit, maybe even a fireplace, tell me what will work best for a chicken coop. I want to call him so he can give me advice for this constant state of struggle Ky & I are in. He gave the best advice. He was so much more calm about things. Everyday I strive to achieve a fraction of that easy-going, understanding approach to dealing with a teenage girl. His girls, we weren't easy, but somehow he could speak calmly & help us decide what was right. Of course we didn't always do the right thing, but I think we had a harder time if we knew what we were doing would disappoint him. 

 I hope I can remember my training when it's time for me to start those new house projects. It has to have been 20 years since I was at the job site with him. My Wicked (another name he jokingly signed in cards referring to my stepmom, who is awesome, not very wicked) sent me his tool bags for my birthday this year. She said, "...I just know how thrilled he would be for you. And would want to be a part of the of the planning and building. Maybe this way it will feel like he is..." 

Today, on his birthday, I will try to look for the good in everything, like he did. I will try not to be sad because he wouldn't want that. I will remember all the funny things he did & said to constantly make us smile. I will smile his smile. I will be grateful for the years I had with him. Grateful that I was blessed with a sweet, sweet daddy who loved his girls & supported us in our choices, helped pick us up when we failed & always encouraged us to be the best we could be. 

Bumper cars with his granbabies at California Adventure.

Making new friends in Downtown Disney.

He knew how to have fun in every single thing he did. He picked the best (weirdest) pet names. He worked hard & did what he loved. He taught his girls that time spent, not money, is what is most important in raising kids. He passed on his love for camping & fishing & sitting around a fire under the stars. He inspired our love for nicknames & teasing & silliness. He taught us to look for the good in others, forgive, love & accept. He tried teaching us patience...I know I'm still working on mastering that. 

So happy birthday my sweet, sweet daddy dearest. Thank you for all you gave us & for continuing to watch over us. 

I love you so much,

Bubba

Sometimes I Just Need To Vent

Being a grown up is hard. Being a mom is even harder. Some days it makes you question every choice you've made up until this very moment. Other days it's like a dream. When you start having more days like the former & less of the latter, you start to get that tense "when is shit gonna hit the fan?" feeling & you are constantly looking over your shoulder in anticipation of that upcoming doom. Or if the doom you're expecting doesn't show you think "oooohhhhh man...it's really gonna be a doozy..." When you are trying to think positive & be positive, this whole gloom & doom deal is pure exhaustion.

Please don't get me wrong, my life is amazing, I love it, I love my daughter, I love Jim, I love Jim's kids & family & my family & our friends & all our fun. I am truly blessed & I'm grateful that I have all of it. There's just always some hard stuff because without that grit how do you ever know how truly blessed you are? Maybe you do...I doubt it. I think without it you are living in another universe. Lately I'm just feeling the exhaustion more. It has been a long year filled with plenty of blessings & a big fat helping of loss, frustration and some helplessness. 

The frustration & helplessness over my precious teenage girl are always there. I've been keeping it off of Facebook because I have plenty of people weighing in on what to do. Here's the thing: SOMETIMES I JUST NEED TO VENT. Sometimes I just need to say it & then I feel better. You know, like, "this really sucks & I'm exhausted & I hope something changes soon!" That's all. I'm not actually sharing for advice or suggestions. Especially this shit: "be consistent...take away her phone...what about offering incentives for good behavior?...blah, blah, blah." For the bazillionth time...been doing all that forEVER! So I guess what I'm saying is, if I am talking to you about it more than once, you probably said "I love you...it'll get better...I know it's hard...sorry you are having a rough time...she's going to be fine." Something along those lines. That's all I need. That & a dang vacation!

I'm so thankful for you who tell me I'm not completely ruining her. I appreciate you who braved this storm already. I'm grateful beyond words that I have so much love & support holding me up on the longest, most tiresome days. I need it. Oh & I definitely can't forget the love I feel every time someone says, "I hate to tell you this, but I know if I were in your shoes I would want you to tell me..." Because all of you love all of her. Thank you. Things could always be worse. 

My mama bear kicks in in those situations where I'm given suggestions on how to better discipline her. Not because I think my methods are better or I'm better. I've learned & learned & learned & cursed myself for repeating plenty of mistakes along the way. The thing is, no matter how maddening, no matter how frustrating, no matter how just awful it gets, that's my baby & I know too much hurt & too much loss are at the heart of the problem. Nobody has the recipe to take it away & no one can fix it. There are definitely healthy ways to cope & work through these things, but let's be honest...did you have the capacity to do that at 15? I didn't. Did you want to talk to some stupid adult who obviously never was your age & would never understand? Uhhh NOOOO! My parents would have talked to me about anything, I have no doubt on that, but I didn't tell them everything. I turned to other people who were possibly less equipped than me to deal with the hard stuff. That's what teens do, because they know everything. Duh.

I have hope we will get past this frustration & helplessness. I remind myself countless times daily that this is no small feat. I let my frustration get the best of me sometimes & then feel sad because losing my cool isn't sending the unconditional love message I'm trying to get across. And I defend & remind & reiterate that this girl is a good girl with a good heart even when she's acting especially horrid. I keep saying "I love you & make good choices." Even when I have to take a deep breath & unclench my jaw before I can get "I love you" to cross my lips because really I think that is when it's needed the most. I just hold onto hope that something will click, something will make her turn this corner & make a choice to do the work & learn how to move through all of the awfulness so she can move forward & have the amazing future she is capable of. Watching the doom & gloom cast shadows on that future is heartbreaking.

Thanks for letting me vent. 

Love

On this day last year I had a date. I was pretty nervous, like most of us are on a first date, even though I'd known him for years. Well I'd known who he was, we'd met 16 or so years before, but our paths hadn't crossed much since then. Luckily that changed. He asked me to have a drink with him one Friday night, but I was already headed out to dinner with some friends. So the next week he asked a little in advance & I said yes...it turned out to be my best yes. Ever. He is my best yes.

His favorite picture of us.

Our first date led to many more & we were both surprised (the good kind...not the scary stuff jumping out at you kind) at how it just all felt so right. It all just fell into place & we were happier than we ever thought possible. We ARE happier than we ever thought possible. Every day it just gets a little more wonderful.

Before Chelsea.

In the past year we have done so much. Made so many memories. Tried lots of new things...Bigfoot hunting & drag races for me, sushi, Cinetopia & a Chelsea Handler show (best birthday present to date!) for him. We have so much fun & so much love. It's just amazing. He's amazing & I am incredibly lucky to have him by my side. All the hard stuff (life always has hard stuff you know) that we've dealt with this past year was just a little easier because at the end of the day we had each other. All the good stuff was even better because we shared it. Watching him with the kids...his, mine, any kids at all is a beautiful thing. He is so full of love & patience & everything good.

Almost ready to go.

The night before last I watched him & that man sized son of his load up the race trailer & prepare for another summer of drag racing more weekends than not while his beautiful daughter & I made plans to not eat hamburgers or hot dogs EVERY SINGLE race weekend. At the end of the night, all the thoughts of how crazy busy we would be faded away as I looked in the back of the trailer & saw two Jr. dragsters and a golf cart loaded & ready for Woodburn. I went home thinking of how new it all was last summer when I first fell in love with drag racing & how many memories we have made since then. 

In the staging lanes behind the jet cars...so hot & smoky!

In Vegas for NHRA Nationals...AWESOME!!

Christmas in Redmond with my girls.

We have so many plans for this next year. So much to look forward to & I feel so blessed to have him & all that he brings with him...funny, incredible kids, new friends & an awesome family that's been family from the start! And love...so much love. I can't wait for every new memory & new experience. Thank goodness I said "yes" to that first date. He is my very best yes. 

Bigger, Better & More

January 29, 2015
They say as you get older you lose more people. It's a sad reality. A sad reality that's been REALLY REAL lately. Yesterday Heaven welcomed yet another one that I love. Was it only yesterday? Yes it was. It was only a month (and a day) after we found out just how limited her time was. Now she's gone. I know she had a big welcoming committee waiting for her. Tuesday night I said my goodbye, told her how much I loved her & asked her to hug a couple of those people she was about to see. I know she did. I know she's at peace. She's reunited with so many she's lost...her love, her son, her parents, her best friend...the list is long. I'm glad she's not in pain anymore. I'm gonna miss her stories. Let me tell you my version of our story.

About 16 years ago there was this guy. He rode dirt bikes & he was good looking & fun & that's all any 18 year old girl needs right?!? So imagine my excitement when he says he's riding at Memorial Coliseum & he's bringing me to watch. What???!!!!!! So I go. I can't remember all the details, but here's what you need to know. He could ride a dirt bike. He made it look like he was born to do it. It was incredible to watch. That's not all though. There were some other people from the coast there to watch that day too. His mom & dad. So he introduced me as his "friend" & I sat & watched with them. They were awesome. We shared cotton candy & watched in amazement as he threw that dirt bike around the track & soared over jumps, then landed like it was nothing. It was a great day. I had no idea then that those people would be my family. That's my first memory of Jay's parents. Bob, Sonja & I eating cotton candy & watching him ride. They were these awesome people who made you feel welcome from the moment you met them. 

Later on...the following year, they met their granddaughter. Sonja's story of us went like this: "I remember Jay introducing you as his "friend" and then a year later there you were with my granddaughter." :) I think I was more nervous to see her that second time. That was 15 years ago. We made a lot of memories over those 15 years. Suffered some great losses together. First Bob...her love, then her mom, my dad, Jay & the list goes on. She loved her family so much & I'm very blessed to have become part of that family. 

February 9, 2015
I couldn't find the right words when I started this so I'm finally finishing it now. Today we will lay her to rest next to the love of her life & her mother. Yesterday we celebrated her, and mourned her, and so many stories were shared. She touched so many lives. Loved so many & was LOVED by so many. It was a hard day. I went to bed early with big dreams for a long sleep, but about 1:30am I was awake & my thoughts won't quiet so here I am. I do my best work when everyone is sleeping. Sonja did too. If you needed someone to talk to in the middle of the night she was your girl. I guess it's fitting that I'm writing about her now.

Yesterday walking into the Warrenton Community Center there was this feeling of deja vu. Hadn't we just been here for Jay? Didn't I keep waiting for him to walk in that day? There we were again. With another Bjaranson missing. Looking over our shoulders for her for that one second before we realized she's really gone. And just like I'm sure she did years ago in Vegas whenever she sang, she packed the house. All the seats were taken & people just kept pouring in. All with heavy hearts & at least one funny story of this amazing woman who lived more in her nearly 73 years than most could live in two lifetimes. 

Thank goodness she loved telling stories because she had so much to tell. She had a story about everyone. Everyone. Even Elvis. And Frank Sinatra. Can you even imagine? The best part of her stories though was the love. So much love. Just overflowing with love. Bigger, better & more. That was always her reply when you told her you loved her..."I love you bigger, better & more" she'd say. I know she'll be watching over all of us. Loving us. I'm sure going to miss seeing her, hearing "bigger, better & more", laughing at her stories & just laughing because that lady was a riot. You can see it in every picture. Like she's up to something...because she usually was! Always a smirk on her face & a twinkle in her eye.

8-4 Mama B. I love you bigger, better & more!