Being a grown up is hard. Being a mom is even harder. Some days it makes you question every choice you've made up until this very moment. Other days it's like a dream. When you start having more days like the former & less of the latter, you start to get that tense "when is shit gonna hit the fan?" feeling & you are constantly looking over your shoulder in anticipation of that upcoming doom. Or if the doom you're expecting doesn't show you think "oooohhhhh man...it's really gonna be a doozy..." When you are trying to think positive & be positive, this whole gloom & doom deal is pure exhaustion.
Please don't get me wrong, my life is amazing, I love it, I love my daughter, I love Jim, I love Jim's kids & family & my family & our friends & all our fun. I am truly blessed & I'm grateful that I have all of it. There's just always some hard stuff because without that grit how do you ever know how truly blessed you are? Maybe you do...I doubt it. I think without it you are living in another universe. Lately I'm just feeling the exhaustion more. It has been a long year filled with plenty of blessings & a big fat helping of loss, frustration and some helplessness.
The frustration & helplessness over my precious teenage girl are always there. I've been keeping it off of Facebook because I have plenty of people weighing in on what to do. Here's the thing: SOMETIMES I JUST NEED TO VENT. Sometimes I just need to say it & then I feel better. You know, like, "this really sucks & I'm exhausted & I hope something changes soon!" That's all. I'm not actually sharing for advice or suggestions. Especially this shit: "be consistent...take away her phone...what about offering incentives for good behavior?...blah, blah, blah." For the bazillionth time...been doing all that forEVER! So I guess what I'm saying is, if I am talking to you about it more than once, you probably said "I love you...it'll get better...I know it's hard...sorry you are having a rough time...she's going to be fine." Something along those lines. That's all I need. That & a dang vacation!
I'm so thankful for you who tell me I'm not completely ruining her. I appreciate you who braved this storm already. I'm grateful beyond words that I have so much love & support holding me up on the longest, most tiresome days. I need it. Oh & I definitely can't forget the love I feel every time someone says, "I hate to tell you this, but I know if I were in your shoes I would want you to tell me..." Because all of you love all of her. Thank you. Things could always be worse.
My mama bear kicks in in those situations where I'm given suggestions on how to better discipline her. Not because I think my methods are better or I'm better. I've learned & learned & learned & cursed myself for repeating plenty of mistakes along the way. The thing is, no matter how maddening, no matter how frustrating, no matter how just awful it gets, that's my baby & I know too much hurt & too much loss are at the heart of the problem. Nobody has the recipe to take it away & no one can fix it. There are definitely healthy ways to cope & work through these things, but let's be honest...did you have the capacity to do that at 15? I didn't. Did you want to talk to some stupid adult who obviously never was your age & would never understand? Uhhh NOOOO! My parents would have talked to me about anything, I have no doubt on that, but I didn't tell them everything. I turned to other people who were possibly less equipped than me to deal with the hard stuff. That's what teens do, because they know everything. Duh.
I have hope we will get past this frustration & helplessness. I remind myself countless times daily that this is no small feat. I let my frustration get the best of me sometimes & then feel sad because losing my cool isn't sending the unconditional love message I'm trying to get across. And I defend & remind & reiterate that this girl is a good girl with a good heart even when she's acting especially horrid. I keep saying "I love you & make good choices." Even when I have to take a deep breath & unclench my jaw before I can get "I love you" to cross my lips because really I think that is when it's needed the most. I just hold onto hope that something will click, something will make her turn this corner & make a choice to do the work & learn how to move through all of the awfulness so she can move forward & have the amazing future she is capable of. Watching the doom & gloom cast shadows on that future is heartbreaking.
Thanks for letting me vent.
