I'll Strive For Pleasant

It was a long week. There have been worse weeks. There was plenty of good in the week. There were some things that I'd prefer to erase from the week. I know it is just a week. Tomorrow is a new day. Duh.

Tonight, as usual, I had to ask Ky several times to do the dishes. This starts with, "your chores need to be done" or "please do you chores" escalates to "KYLIE! Get. Out Here. And. DO. THE. DISHES!" and typically ends in yelling, things being slammed around, possibly a broken dish and, if I'm really lucky, having to call her back out a few more times to get things done correctly. Tonight we went a step past it. It was awful. Let me set the scene.

Last night we came home to the furnace not working so it is 56 degrees in this joint. I have a fire in the fireplace, there are plenty of blankets, we have lots of warm jammies to bundle in, it could have been fixed today, but it's Sunday & people should be able to enjoy it, not come out on their time off to fix something that won't kill me. I thought maybe camping out in the living room watching movies by the fire was a good plan tonight. It might've been how the night went had I not had the nerve to ask Ky to do her chores. Of course all the usual drama was present. The "I didn't even make these dirty, all I ever do is dishes, blah, blah, blah..." Then came the glass hitting the sink with enough force that had it not been a Mason jar, I'd have been digging glass out of my garbage disposal...hoping Ky didn't turn it on while my hand was in there. OK, my real fear is it magically starts up, but she is pretty grumpy by this point in her chores... Not sure what caused the snap, but I smacked her in the arm. Not my best moment. Definitely could have handled that better. No it didn't make things better. Now she's a victim of child abuse & then she pulled the "I HATE YOU!!!" card. I put soap in her mouth. So now she hates me, thinks I'm abusing her, I feel hideous & she's grounded from her phone.

Could I have handled this better? YES. Did I want to cry? Definitely. If I had a rewind button would I go back & behave better? I hope so. Do I regret my reflexive reaction to smack her in the arm? Of course. 

It's been over an hour. Have I cooled down? Not really...why do you think I'm writing this. Here's the facts:

• She isn't abused. Even after smacking her in the arm tonight I know I am not a mother who beats her child. 
• I am a mother who loves her child & lost her mind for a moment.
• She knows exactly what buttons to push to wage war. I fell for it. I should know better.
• Putting soap in the mouth of your 14 year old is no easy feat.
• This wasn't how I wanted to end the weekend.

Chores are done. She is in bed. I'm still wallowing in my guilt. Last weekend she was in my position. That's one of the many things I reminded her of while she did the dishes tonight, hating me. Last Friday she was washing her little brother's hair, he was screaming like every time his hair gets washed, she came out of the bathroom crying because he told her he didn't love her & didn't want her to be his sister anymore. I told her to think of that the next time she wanted to tell someone who loves her that she hates them. Then I told her to think of what it would be like if the last words you spoke to someone you loved were filled with hatred. 

We know loss. We know tragedy. It hasn't been long since we experienced it slicing through this family like a sword of ice. One night someone is leaving for work, then suddenly even the Coast Guard can't find them. The 2 year anniversary is fast approaching. Loved ones are precious even when they aren't being even remotely tolerable. Once they are gone there's a void that no other can ever fill. They take a piece of you with them. Sure it gets easier to still be living after they are lost. Eventually you don't cry at every memory. You can smile without crying when something suddenly brings them to mind, but it will never be the same again.

We all know this, we've all lost something, yet these are the people we take for granted. These loves, nearest & dearest our hearts get our worst selves. Kylie got my worst self tonight. I don't quite know why. Maybe "I hate you" was more than I could take tonight. It doesn't excuse my reaction. My heart breaks at the thought of someone or something causing any more pain in her life, but tonight I reacted with rage not grace. We had a weekend filled with family friends & love, but tonight she went to bed angry & hurt. I'll go to bed hurt & disappointed. I hope to do better in the morning. I know that will be a challenge, but I'm going to try to do better. Morning is my hardest time to be nice. I decided last week that maybe if we just didn't speak to each other in the mornings our days would start better. That being said, tomorrow I will strive for pleasant & kind. My goal will be love & tenderness. 

When I drop her off at school I will tell her I love her. I don't tell her out of habit, or guilt at our previous night's fight, or to hear her say it back...that one is rare at 14 it seems. My love for her is painful & at the same time more tremendous than I could ever have imagined. No matter how much I yell in the morning my love is behind that beastly face. "I love you" will always be the last words she hears before we go our separate ways for an hour, for the day, for a few days. You never know if that "I love you" might be the last.

Good night. 

I. Love. You.

The Addiction Plague

Another story in the news today. Another celebrity loses their struggle against addiction. It is tragic. It made the news because this was a face well known in Hollywood, but there are many faces not so well known that lost their struggle today as well. Today, yesterday, the day before, the weeks, months, years, decades & centuries before. This epidemic is not new. It didn't just pop up in 2014. Maybe some of the drugs are new, but isn't that just a new strain of the same virus? There will always be something consuming the lives that dare to dabble in its elusive proposition because there will always be those willing to dare.

I am grateful that my worst addiction was tobacco & that over 12 years later I have no desire to indulge in just one drag. None. Well now, that isn't true. There have been a few days when the choice not to smoke wasn't automatic, but as quickly as I desired it I was disgusted by that desire. It's difficult for the 33 year old version of me to believe there was once a version of me that actually enjoyed smoking. What a silly girl she was. Girl. I was 12 when I had my first cigarette & 21 when I quit for the last time.

More than that, I am grateful that a mixture of fear & common sense, but mostly fear, kept me from trying anything harder than tobacco, alcohol & marijuana. I'm almost 34 & still afraid of pain pills. I had to take vicodin after a tooth extraction once & those 18 pills still weren't all gone a year & a half later. In fact, I think that pain pills may scare me the most. They seem to be the answer for most pains, especially those that aren't easily explained. Here's a prescription for the pain...hopefully it'll be gone when these are. Maybe it works. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe by the time the pain is bearable there's a new pain that can only go away with more of those pills, but they cost so much. Heroin is cheaper. Let's try that. BAM! Now you've got the girl with golden eyes seducing her way into your arms every night. This is why pain pills scare me more than heroin. AND I NEVER EVER wanted anything to do with heroin. (Or meth, or coke, or crack...any of it.)

I watched heroin & meth tear down good people. Some lost everything. Some lost everything & then their life. Some lost everything for a while & hopefully will be able to rebuild their lives & stay clean for the remainder of their days. It is their choice to make. That future is theirs if they choose it. They can choose to live or they can choose addiction. Either way, it is theirs exclusively. No one can decide for them. No one can fix them. No one can be their fix. If they want life, they have to wake up & take life everyday. They will never not be an addict. They will be an addict who chooses sobriety...everyday...for the rest of their life. It might become a choice they make automatically, but there will be days they are tested, there will be things that trigger that old habit. The triggers might be subtle like a song, they might be brutal like the loss of someone dear to their heart or they might be in their face like an offer by someone in the clutches of addiction. Whatever the spark, only they can decide to smother or ignite it.

These people walk among you everyday. Maybe you know their story. Maybe you don't. Could be you know their story because they trusted you to love them unconditionally, to know that telling you was the bravest step they've made aside from getting clean. But maybe you don't know because telling you would risk how you see them. You see them now as a functioning member of society...a good normal person...and they aren't sure you'll ever look at them the same once you know their truth. Will you? Will you look at them with compassion? Or will it be empathy, for your story is so parallel to theirs? Will you look to them with grace for all they have overcome & all they have yet to conquer? For most of us one or some of these will be true, but for some their frightening admission of this will forever change the way they are perceived by this person. That is why you may not know. The idea of that shift that could shatter it all is so terrifying it may haunt every new relationship be it business or personal, friendship or more. It could be the history of use or the behavior that ensued during that use which hinders their ability to come clean about being clean. Maybe it is both. 

Yet with that cross to bear, they are the lucky ones because they continue to have a choice. They still have another morning. Another chance. So many don't. They are gone. They paid the price with their life. Likely they left behind loved ones who couldn't save them. Who have questions that will never be answered & pain that cannot be cured. They are here relentlessly doubting the choices they made, wondering if they could have done more or why they didn't see it. Never fully understanding why.

Now as a mother I look at all this from one more perspective: How do I convince my daughter not to go down a path from which she may never return? Is there anything I can say that will guarantee her safety? Will ensure her immunity to this? No. Not a single thing. I can give her my reasons. I can show her examples. I can read her an article every.single.time. I come across one, but none of these things can stop her because ultimately it will be her decision. I won't be standing there to make it for her. I can only hope in my heart of hearts that she will choose life & not take the risk. That she will love herself enough to not become one of the Not Quite Dead. So I pray that when she gets to this bridge I've done all that I could to get her safely over. Unscathed & untouched by this all too common thief of life.

I don't think this is going to get my point across...

If you aren't familiar with Sixx A.M., start with The Heroin Diaries (the book) then listen to the CD. If you haven't read any blogs by I Want a Dumpster Baby, you might want to look her up on Facebook...you know if the links in here left you needing more of either one!