It was a long week. There have been worse weeks. There was plenty of good in the week. There were some things that I'd prefer to erase from the week. I know it is just a week. Tomorrow is a new day. Duh.
Tonight, as usual, I had to ask Ky several times to do the dishes. This starts with, "your chores need to be done" or "please do you chores" escalates to "KYLIE! Get. Out Here. And. DO. THE. DISHES!" and typically ends in yelling, things being slammed around, possibly a broken dish and, if I'm really lucky, having to call her back out a few more times to get things done correctly. Tonight we went a step past it. It was awful. Let me set the scene.
Last night we came home to the furnace not working so it is 56 degrees in this joint. I have a fire in the fireplace, there are plenty of blankets, we have lots of warm jammies to bundle in, it could have been fixed today, but it's Sunday & people should be able to enjoy it, not come out on their time off to fix something that won't kill me. I thought maybe camping out in the living room watching movies by the fire was a good plan tonight. It might've been how the night went had I not had the nerve to ask Ky to do her chores. Of course all the usual drama was present. The "I didn't even make these dirty, all I ever do is dishes, blah, blah, blah..." Then came the glass hitting the sink with enough force that had it not been a Mason jar, I'd have been digging glass out of my garbage disposal...hoping Ky didn't turn it on while my hand was in there. OK, my real fear is it magically starts up, but she is pretty grumpy by this point in her chores... Not sure what caused the snap, but I smacked her in the arm. Not my best moment. Definitely could have handled that better. No it didn't make things better. Now she's a victim of child abuse & then she pulled the "I HATE YOU!!!" card. I put soap in her mouth. So now she hates me, thinks I'm abusing her, I feel hideous & she's grounded from her phone.
Could I have handled this better? YES. Did I want to cry? Definitely. If I had a rewind button would I go back & behave better? I hope so. Do I regret my reflexive reaction to smack her in the arm? Of course.
It's been over an hour. Have I cooled down? Not really...why do you think I'm writing this. Here's the facts:
- She isn't abused. Even after smacking her in the arm tonight I know I am not a mother who beats her child.
- I am a mother who loves her child & lost her mind for a moment.
- She knows exactly what buttons to push to wage war. I fell for it. I should know better.
- Putting soap in the mouth of your 14 year old is no easy feat.
- This wasn't how I wanted to end the weekend.
Chores are done. She is in bed. I'm still wallowing in my guilt. Last weekend she was in my position. That's one of the many things I reminded her of while she did the dishes tonight, hating me. Last Friday she was washing her little brother's hair, he was screaming like every time his hair gets washed, she came out of the bathroom crying because he told her he didn't love her & didn't want her to be his sister anymore. I told her to think of that the next time she wanted to tell someone who loves her that she hates them. Then I told her to think of what it would be like if the last words you spoke to someone you loved were filled with hatred.
We know loss. We know tragedy. It hasn't been long since we experienced it slicing through this family like a sword of ice. One night someone is leaving for work, then suddenly even the Coast Guard can't find them. The 2 year anniversary is fast approaching. Loved ones are precious even when they aren't being even remotely tolerable. Once they are gone there's a void that no other can ever fill. They take a piece of you with them. Sure it gets easier to still be living after they are lost. Eventually you don't cry at every memory. You can smile without crying when something suddenly brings them to mind, but it will never be the same again.
We all know this, we've all lost something, yet these are the people we take for granted. These loves, nearest & dearest our hearts get our worst selves. Kylie got my worst self tonight. I don't quite know why. Maybe "I hate you" was more than I could take tonight. It doesn't excuse my reaction. My heart breaks at the thought of someone or something causing any more pain in her life, but tonight I reacted with rage not grace. We had a weekend filled with family friends & love, but tonight she went to bed angry & hurt. I'll go to bed hurt & disappointed. I hope to do better in the morning. I know that will be a challenge, but I'm going to try to do better. Morning is my hardest time to be nice. I decided last week that maybe if we just didn't speak to each other in the mornings our days would start better. That being said, tomorrow I will strive for pleasant & kind. My goal will be love & tenderness.
When I drop her off at school I will tell her I love her. I don't tell her out of habit, or guilt at our previous night's fight, or to hear her say it back...that one is rare at 14 it seems. My love for her is painful & at the same time more tremendous than I could ever have imagined. No matter how much I yell in the morning my love is behind that beastly face. "I love you" will always be the last words she hears before we go our separate ways for an hour, for the day, for a few days. You never know if that "I love you" might be the last.
Good night.
I. Love. You.
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