Does this make me a hypocrite?: 14 years

With Grandpa Mark on day 1.

My baby girl turns 14 in a couple of days. It is hard to believe. I look at the precious angelface I held in the early morning hours of November 11, 1999 and wonder where the time went. How did she get so smart, sassy, beautiful, witty, curvy, and well, OLD???!!!!! I have barely aged a year...as long as my grey stays hidden...yet she's changed so much. It is unbelievable.

Look at that tiny baby girl. 5lbs. 3 oz.

13 months old on Christmas with Grandpa Bob.

A little over a year old with her daddy.

Sadly, she's already lost 3 very important men in her life. First Grandpa Bob went, then Grandpa Mark and last year her daddy. It is too bad that they will miss so much of her life, but I know they're watching over her. I need them to watch over her & me. I can't do all this alone. I remember being 19 years old with her on the way wondering if I was going to be able to do this. How could I do my best for her? Would I be a good mama or fail miserably? I think all parents have these thoughts. If they don't, they should! Being a parent is scary shit!! Here are just a few of those terrifying moments:

1. Going home from the hospital without my tiny baby. She was so scrawny she didn't have enough body fat to keep her blood sugar levels stable. So I stayed in the hospital an extra night & then had to go home while she stayed 3 more. I cried & cried. There were a lot of visits to the hospital those 3 days.

2. I brought my baby home on day 6, I got a fever of 104 degrees, I had mastitis...that HURTS!!! It finally cleared up by day 7 & then my mama had to go home. I cried & cried after she left.

3. She had to go to the emergency room at 6 weeks. She had a UTI. Her fever was so high.

4. She was a little over 2 when I broke her thumb. She would climb in the front of the car & then between the seats to the back. I opened the back door to put some things in the back seat, her thumb was on the hinge. Instead of sleeping in our new house that night we went to the ER & she got stitches all the way around her thumb. It broke the growth plate. Her right thumb isn't as big as the left.

5. She had to get stitches above her eyebrow when she fell at daycare. This happened about 6 months after the broken thumb. Another trip to the ER.

6. You may recall, I dropped her off at school when she didn't have school in Kindergarten & she walked almost all the way home before I passed her on my way to work.

(You guessed it, 3-6...I cried & cried!)

7. She stayed with her dad 5 days a week for my last term of massage school...it was the a long 11 weeks. Not because I didn't trust him to take care of her, but because I always had her all week. He had her weekends. Thank goodness he was able to do that so I could finish school.

8. She went to middle school. 9. She walked home for the first time. 10. She flew to California by herself.

11. I wasn't with her the day Jay's boat went down. We were in Seattle for my sister's 30th birthday when I got the call. She was in good hands, another Thank the Lord moment. Mandy kept her away from any news of what was happening until I could get home. Then I had to tell her why I was home.

12. They called off the search for Jay's boat. I had to tell her that. Heartbreak & more tears.

13. She turned 13. WHAT?????!!!!!! She has boobs & curves & her little muscular body now resembles the ladies on the covers of women's fitness magazines.

I have made countless mistakes. I will be the first to admit it. There are plenty of things I wish I had done differently, but you don't get a 2nd chance. You just have to learn from the things you wish you could change & do better next time. Every day you just wake up & try to be better than you were yesterday. She thinks I am the meanest ever some days...other days I think she likes having me around. Either way, she's stuck with me & I love that beastly little (not so little anymore) girl.

She's wild. I think that when it comes to the things she wants to do, she thinks "if I do this how much trouble will I be in? OK...I'm doing it anyway." That kind of spirit is hard to live with on a daily basis. I know that one day it will mean she's a strong women & it will be an amazing trait that will be extremely beneficial to her. Right now it is causing me more & more greys that need covering! This wild spirit is paired with a double streak of stubborn. She comes by it honestly. She is a product of two very strong willed people. Sometimes when she is really mad she makes a face that looks exactly like Jay. There were 12 years where every time I saw that face, I wanted to punch her (You heard me. Punch her. I didn't. Just sayin' I wanted to.)...now it still makes me crazy, but it also lets me see Jay once in awhile & for that I am grateful. He was taken way before his time.

She's gorgeous. She says that I have to say that because I'm her mom & anyone else who says that says it because they're my friend or family. So I guess they are all biased...or she's just gorgeous. The most recent comments when I showed a couple of friends who hadn't seen a pic of her in a while were "You're in trouble." and "Oh Jasmine....I'm sorry." Then, to another guy at the table, "She's not even 14. Don't even think about it!" Oh and a couple more that I really loved: "I'm not OK with those boobs either...yes please call if you need some punks scared off." "I don't approve of that outfit...she should only be allowed to wear a big, baggy sheet!...or garbage bag." and "Oh it's been a while since I scared anyone with him, call me if you need us...that'd be fun!" Yep, my list of scary guys is still in tact & growing. Hallelujah!

She's extremely precious when she's sleeping...or fake sleeping like in this one.

She has a very kind heart. She is still a teenage girl, but she has & always has had a kindness & thoughtfulness that make me so proud of her. Once in a great while I get to be on the receiving end of this...there are no words for how this makes me feel. I know she is a teenager & that is why those moments are few & far between, but I see her actions towards others more frequently. My granny says it is best if your children are their best self in the presence of others. She is.

Ky holding Talon for the first time. We went straight from her dance recital to the hospital. June 12, 2009

Showing him pictures of their dad at the cabin. August 2013

She loves her baby brother. He is extremely lovable. I can't get enough of that little guy either. I'm happy that we have the opportunity to see him regularly. As I write this he is asleep in her room. We got to have him all of her birthday weekend. If she had her way, we would have him every single day! He is the only baby she ever held at the hospital...all the others she waits to hold. She's scared of babies I'm pretty sure!

At the pumpkin patch. October 2013

She is very independent. Another trait that will be a godsend when she's an adult, but one I'd rather not fight over now. Here's another Worst Mama Confession: she gets herself up for school everyday. I am not a morning person. I hate waking up. She has been getting up for years. I do set my alarm to make sure she's awake, but then quickly drift back to sleep until she says I need to drive her to school. I also don't make lunches. And I yell in the morning when provoked...she isn't a morning person either. She provokes a lot.

Sorry.

She's funny. And a bit of a smart ass. Yep also something that's passed down through generations. Sorry I'm not sorry! Someone needs to brighten up this world so we will keep up our quick (sometimes inappropriate, sometimes a bit embarrassing) wit and you will like it!

She hates when I take her picture, but takes a billion ridiculous selfies....um just so we are clear...I am a much better photographer than her! It isn't like I don't let her preapprove pics. Seriously...you should see some of the dumb ass faces she Snapchats. My stuff is way better! And yes I just said she makes dumb ass faces. It's true. Ask her friends. Not duck faces either, because I will give those lips a little knuckle sandwich filler if I see some duck faced posing going on. Yuck.

When it comes to her birthdays, I have created a monster. She had her golden birthday at 11. For those of you in the dark, your golden birthday is the year you turn the age of the day you were born...November 11 is her birthday so she turned 11 & well I had to make that golden birthday one to remember. We went to Lincoln City for the weekend. Stayed in my grandparents' time share, got pedicures, shopped...acted like we were high rollers. So she turns 12 the next year...what do you think she wants? Obviously a better birthday than the year before. We stayed at the hotel I worked at that year. Went out to dinner, were chauffeured to & from dinner in a classic car the Cannery Pier Hotel has for chauffeuring guests. It was awesome. Then 13...well that was the first year without Jay so I'm not going to lie, I just wanted to keep her happy. Anything to keep her mind off passing that first set of birthdays & holidays without him. So we stayed in Portland at Hotel Modera, had dinner with my sister & niece at Benihana, my niece stayed at the hotel with us, we shopped all day the next day. It pretty much kicked ass...even though I took away her birthday party because she was being so bad in school last fall. You want to hear the thanks I got? This year she informs me that this year she wants to have a party for family, a party for friends, then go stay in Seattle for the dinner/hotel/shopping portion of the program. Um......NO! Let's back it up here. Seattle: oh HELL NO! I have made 3 bad trips to Seattle in a row now. I will be steering clear of that city for a while. Separate birthday parties. Again...HELL NO!

That leads us to tonight. This weekend, which happened to be a 6 day weekend if you attend Astoria School District, we have had no less than 4 extra bodies at the house Friday & tonight, with the potential for 7 tomorrow night. I am barely maintaining my sanity. Don't get me wrong. I love our guests. I wish some of them could just be here all the time. The challenges lie in: feeding them, having enough clean towels, having access to the bathroom when you need it, fitting everyone in the car if we choose to go somewhere (I can not), getting the house in order for the parade of teens who will be passing through Sunday all while working every day. The past couple of months work has been slow. This is not ideal, but when the house needs cleaning or we have visitors (new babies especially) I really don't hate not having to go into work. This week I have worked 5 days in a row. (Yes I am well aware that most people do this...I used to work 6 every week...I don't anymore. I'm very blessed.) Tomorrow I am going to help out at the spa where I haven't worked in a year & a half. It is only one appointment. I am so grateful for the extra income and the opportunity to fill in in a pinch. I also have forgotten & then remembered I'll be working tomorrow morning (about 3 times so far). Please, oh please, let those kids not trash the house for the hour & a half I will be away!!! Then on Monday I will be hanging out with 3-4 extra teenage girls (don't be offended my lil teen fan...I do love you!) instead of relaxing on my one day off. That day off happens to be my little angelface's 14th birthday. Do you think they will let me take them to a 3D animated movie???? *fingers crossed*

I hope this year I am a better mama than I was last year or the year before. This mama stuff isn't for the faint of heart. I am constantly reminded of the terror I subjected my sweet mama to during my teen years. Yep. Saying sorry doesn't remove the curse. It doesn't even get you a reduced sentence. I'm fairly confident I am approaching superhero status after all parenting has subjected me to. Maybe that's why I've really been loving my boots this fall...they're part of the uniform! Good thing they are cute!!

I am so blessed to have the girl that I have. I have grown so much in her 14 years & I know we've only just begun. I'm anxious to meet the woman she will become, but I truly am not in a hurry to get there. The years are already flying by so fast. I look back over the years & they don't seem so long ago, but they are.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A FEW YEARS CAN MAKE!