Thank God for friends, family & vacation!

A couple of years ago someone encouraged me to start this blog. I needed a funny name, mostly so I could laugh a little when I wanted to scream instead. So I called it Craven A Vacation. Then I started to tell you about the things that were making me want to scream, many that held a strong resemblance to the teenage version of me. So I asked "Does this make me a hypocrite?" Here are my answers, thoughts, comments on this:
1. If I thought I needed a vacation two years ago, today I need that vacation times 3700! 
2. If my rules, boundaries & attempts to set my daughter towards a better path than I chose for myself makes me a hypocrite then I'm just going to keep on being a big ol' hypocrite!

This Mom job is rough. I've known that I'm a fighter for a while now, but I'm constantly surprised to still be going rounds because at this point I've been knocked down a lot & sometimes staying down sounds like maybe it could be just the little vacation I need. Not really...I need more than a 10 second count. More like 10 months all expenses paid, with visits from my loving family & friends, Jim by my side & a whole lot of relaxing. Daily massages? Yes please! That isn't really an option with this Mom job. Even on vacation you're still concerned with what's happening wherever your precious off-spring is hanging out while you have a much needed breather. For about 3.5 years my level of "concern" has been climbing from a normal, rational level to an all-out, high alert with back-up plans in place & ready to implement. "Would you like to purchase vacation insurance for $12.50 per person?" "Why yes, yes I would. Was there even a question!? Who knows what could throw a wrench in my plans at this point!"

Last weekend I got to relax & enjoy myself. This weekend I plan to repeat that on another weekend away. We have been planning both of these weekends for a number of months...this coming weekend was set in motion last year. So despite the chaos of our daily lives, especially in the past couple weeks, I chose vacation. I feel very blessed that we are able to get away. I also feel some guilt that there are other places I'm needed & choosing vacation means I'll not be there. I know other very capable people will be there & it is alright that I will not. I know that I need to relax. I know that we need to relax. I know we have earned it. We have more than earned it. I know the hard choices we've made lately are the right choices. The right choice almost always seems to be the hardest choice. I'm going to take this weekend, enjoy our friends, enjoy our time away, be grateful that I have this time to breathe in the midst of this current chaos & then I will come home, hopefully at least a tiny bit recharged, and resume my Mom duties.

I'm very blessed to have the friends, family and numerous other supporters that I do. Without that my fight would not have near as much endurance. Thank you for having my back. I'm looking forward to the day we can all celebrate a big victory. For now we'll just keep celebrating even the smallest of victories. That's a heck of a lot better than letting the set-backs crush us.

Sweet, Sweet Daddy

That little quote in the corner is from a
Dove Promises chocolate he gave me
when I visited him in the hospital. It says
"Smile. People will wonder what you've been up to."

My sweet, sweet daddy...that was a name he jokingly signed along with others like Daddy Dearest in all our cards, but it fit him, he was the sweetest. The last birthday we celebrated with him was 8 years ago. Today he would have 61 candles on his cake. Well honestly, probably 1 so he didn't run out of breath or burn the house down! Maybe a 6 and a 1. Instead, I lit a candle for him. If he was here I wouldn't be lighting it because it would probably plug his nose in seconds, but he isn't bothered by allergies anymore so I lit one that smells sweet & summery because he was so sweet & we had so many fun summers together.

I think the past couple years I've missed him just a little more. Instead of the passing of time making it easier, new moments make me wish he was here still, not just silently watching. I wish he could meet Jim because I know they'd be pals. I wish he could see our house plans, help me build a firepit, maybe even a fireplace, tell me what will work best for a chicken coop. I want to call him so he can give me advice for this constant state of struggle Ky & I are in. He gave the best advice. He was so much more calm about things. Everyday I strive to achieve a fraction of that easy-going, understanding approach to dealing with a teenage girl. His girls, we weren't easy, but somehow he could speak calmly & help us decide what was right. Of course we didn't always do the right thing, but I think we had a harder time if we knew what we were doing would disappoint him. 

 I hope I can remember my training when it's time for me to start those new house projects. It has to have been 20 years since I was at the job site with him. My Wicked (another name he jokingly signed in cards referring to my stepmom, who is awesome, not very wicked) sent me his tool bags for my birthday this year. She said, "...I just know how thrilled he would be for you. And would want to be a part of the of the planning and building. Maybe this way it will feel like he is..." 

Today, on his birthday, I will try to look for the good in everything, like he did. I will try not to be sad because he wouldn't want that. I will remember all the funny things he did & said to constantly make us smile. I will smile his smile. I will be grateful for the years I had with him. Grateful that I was blessed with a sweet, sweet daddy who loved his girls & supported us in our choices, helped pick us up when we failed & always encouraged us to be the best we could be. 

Bumper cars with his granbabies at California Adventure.

Making new friends in Downtown Disney.

He knew how to have fun in every single thing he did. He picked the best (weirdest) pet names. He worked hard & did what he loved. He taught his girls that time spent, not money, is what is most important in raising kids. He passed on his love for camping & fishing & sitting around a fire under the stars. He inspired our love for nicknames & teasing & silliness. He taught us to look for the good in others, forgive, love & accept. He tried teaching us patience...I know I'm still working on mastering that. 

So happy birthday my sweet, sweet daddy dearest. Thank you for all you gave us & for continuing to watch over us. 

I love you so much,

Bubba

Sometimes I Just Need To Vent

Being a grown up is hard. Being a mom is even harder. Some days it makes you question every choice you've made up until this very moment. Other days it's like a dream. When you start having more days like the former & less of the latter, you start to get that tense "when is shit gonna hit the fan?" feeling & you are constantly looking over your shoulder in anticipation of that upcoming doom. Or if the doom you're expecting doesn't show you think "oooohhhhh man...it's really gonna be a doozy..." When you are trying to think positive & be positive, this whole gloom & doom deal is pure exhaustion.

Please don't get me wrong, my life is amazing, I love it, I love my daughter, I love Jim, I love Jim's kids & family & my family & our friends & all our fun. I am truly blessed & I'm grateful that I have all of it. There's just always some hard stuff because without that grit how do you ever know how truly blessed you are? Maybe you do...I doubt it. I think without it you are living in another universe. Lately I'm just feeling the exhaustion more. It has been a long year filled with plenty of blessings & a big fat helping of loss, frustration and some helplessness. 

The frustration & helplessness over my precious teenage girl are always there. I've been keeping it off of Facebook because I have plenty of people weighing in on what to do. Here's the thing: SOMETIMES I JUST NEED TO VENT. Sometimes I just need to say it & then I feel better. You know, like, "this really sucks & I'm exhausted & I hope something changes soon!" That's all. I'm not actually sharing for advice or suggestions. Especially this shit: "be consistent...take away her phone...what about offering incentives for good behavior?...blah, blah, blah." For the bazillionth time...been doing all that forEVER! So I guess what I'm saying is, if I am talking to you about it more than once, you probably said "I love you...it'll get better...I know it's hard...sorry you are having a rough time...she's going to be fine." Something along those lines. That's all I need. That & a dang vacation!

I'm so thankful for you who tell me I'm not completely ruining her. I appreciate you who braved this storm already. I'm grateful beyond words that I have so much love & support holding me up on the longest, most tiresome days. I need it. Oh & I definitely can't forget the love I feel every time someone says, "I hate to tell you this, but I know if I were in your shoes I would want you to tell me..." Because all of you love all of her. Thank you. Things could always be worse. 

My mama bear kicks in in those situations where I'm given suggestions on how to better discipline her. Not because I think my methods are better or I'm better. I've learned & learned & learned & cursed myself for repeating plenty of mistakes along the way. The thing is, no matter how maddening, no matter how frustrating, no matter how just awful it gets, that's my baby & I know too much hurt & too much loss are at the heart of the problem. Nobody has the recipe to take it away & no one can fix it. There are definitely healthy ways to cope & work through these things, but let's be honest...did you have the capacity to do that at 15? I didn't. Did you want to talk to some stupid adult who obviously never was your age & would never understand? Uhhh NOOOO! My parents would have talked to me about anything, I have no doubt on that, but I didn't tell them everything. I turned to other people who were possibly less equipped than me to deal with the hard stuff. That's what teens do, because they know everything. Duh.

I have hope we will get past this frustration & helplessness. I remind myself countless times daily that this is no small feat. I let my frustration get the best of me sometimes & then feel sad because losing my cool isn't sending the unconditional love message I'm trying to get across. And I defend & remind & reiterate that this girl is a good girl with a good heart even when she's acting especially horrid. I keep saying "I love you & make good choices." Even when I have to take a deep breath & unclench my jaw before I can get "I love you" to cross my lips because really I think that is when it's needed the most. I just hold onto hope that something will click, something will make her turn this corner & make a choice to do the work & learn how to move through all of the awfulness so she can move forward & have the amazing future she is capable of. Watching the doom & gloom cast shadows on that future is heartbreaking.

Thanks for letting me vent. 

Love

On this day last year I had a date. I was pretty nervous, like most of us are on a first date, even though I'd known him for years. Well I'd known who he was, we'd met 16 or so years before, but our paths hadn't crossed much since then. Luckily that changed. He asked me to have a drink with him one Friday night, but I was already headed out to dinner with some friends. So the next week he asked a little in advance & I said yes...it turned out to be my best yes. Ever. He is my best yes.

His favorite picture of us.

Our first date led to many more & we were both surprised (the good kind...not the scary stuff jumping out at you kind) at how it just all felt so right. It all just fell into place & we were happier than we ever thought possible. We ARE happier than we ever thought possible. Every day it just gets a little more wonderful.

Before Chelsea.

In the past year we have done so much. Made so many memories. Tried lots of new things...Bigfoot hunting & drag races for me, sushi, Cinetopia & a Chelsea Handler show (best birthday present to date!) for him. We have so much fun & so much love. It's just amazing. He's amazing & I am incredibly lucky to have him by my side. All the hard stuff (life always has hard stuff you know) that we've dealt with this past year was just a little easier because at the end of the day we had each other. All the good stuff was even better because we shared it. Watching him with the kids...his, mine, any kids at all is a beautiful thing. He is so full of love & patience & everything good.

Almost ready to go.

The night before last I watched him & that man sized son of his load up the race trailer & prepare for another summer of drag racing more weekends than not while his beautiful daughter & I made plans to not eat hamburgers or hot dogs EVERY SINGLE race weekend. At the end of the night, all the thoughts of how crazy busy we would be faded away as I looked in the back of the trailer & saw two Jr. dragsters and a golf cart loaded & ready for Woodburn. I went home thinking of how new it all was last summer when I first fell in love with drag racing & how many memories we have made since then. 

In the staging lanes behind the jet cars...so hot & smoky!

In Vegas for NHRA Nationals...AWESOME!!

Christmas in Redmond with my girls.

We have so many plans for this next year. So much to look forward to & I feel so blessed to have him & all that he brings with him...funny, incredible kids, new friends & an awesome family that's been family from the start! And love...so much love. I can't wait for every new memory & new experience. Thank goodness I said "yes" to that first date. He is my very best yes. 

Bigger, Better & More

January 29, 2015
They say as you get older you lose more people. It's a sad reality. A sad reality that's been REALLY REAL lately. Yesterday Heaven welcomed yet another one that I love. Was it only yesterday? Yes it was. It was only a month (and a day) after we found out just how limited her time was. Now she's gone. I know she had a big welcoming committee waiting for her. Tuesday night I said my goodbye, told her how much I loved her & asked her to hug a couple of those people she was about to see. I know she did. I know she's at peace. She's reunited with so many she's lost...her love, her son, her parents, her best friend...the list is long. I'm glad she's not in pain anymore. I'm gonna miss her stories. Let me tell you my version of our story.

About 16 years ago there was this guy. He rode dirt bikes & he was good looking & fun & that's all any 18 year old girl needs right?!? So imagine my excitement when he says he's riding at Memorial Coliseum & he's bringing me to watch. What???!!!!!! So I go. I can't remember all the details, but here's what you need to know. He could ride a dirt bike. He made it look like he was born to do it. It was incredible to watch. That's not all though. There were some other people from the coast there to watch that day too. His mom & dad. So he introduced me as his "friend" & I sat & watched with them. They were awesome. We shared cotton candy & watched in amazement as he threw that dirt bike around the track & soared over jumps, then landed like it was nothing. It was a great day. I had no idea then that those people would be my family. That's my first memory of Jay's parents. Bob, Sonja & I eating cotton candy & watching him ride. They were these awesome people who made you feel welcome from the moment you met them. 

Later on...the following year, they met their granddaughter. Sonja's story of us went like this: "I remember Jay introducing you as his "friend" and then a year later there you were with my granddaughter." :) I think I was more nervous to see her that second time. That was 15 years ago. We made a lot of memories over those 15 years. Suffered some great losses together. First Bob...her love, then her mom, my dad, Jay & the list goes on. She loved her family so much & I'm very blessed to have become part of that family. 

February 9, 2015
I couldn't find the right words when I started this so I'm finally finishing it now. Today we will lay her to rest next to the love of her life & her mother. Yesterday we celebrated her, and mourned her, and so many stories were shared. She touched so many lives. Loved so many & was LOVED by so many. It was a hard day. I went to bed early with big dreams for a long sleep, but about 1:30am I was awake & my thoughts won't quiet so here I am. I do my best work when everyone is sleeping. Sonja did too. If you needed someone to talk to in the middle of the night she was your girl. I guess it's fitting that I'm writing about her now.

Yesterday walking into the Warrenton Community Center there was this feeling of deja vu. Hadn't we just been here for Jay? Didn't I keep waiting for him to walk in that day? There we were again. With another Bjaranson missing. Looking over our shoulders for her for that one second before we realized she's really gone. And just like I'm sure she did years ago in Vegas whenever she sang, she packed the house. All the seats were taken & people just kept pouring in. All with heavy hearts & at least one funny story of this amazing woman who lived more in her nearly 73 years than most could live in two lifetimes. 

Thank goodness she loved telling stories because she had so much to tell. She had a story about everyone. Everyone. Even Elvis. And Frank Sinatra. Can you even imagine? The best part of her stories though was the love. So much love. Just overflowing with love. Bigger, better & more. That was always her reply when you told her you loved her..."I love you bigger, better & more" she'd say. I know she'll be watching over all of us. Loving us. I'm sure going to miss seeing her, hearing "bigger, better & more", laughing at her stories & just laughing because that lady was a riot. You can see it in every picture. Like she's up to something...because she usually was! Always a smirk on her face & a twinkle in her eye.

8-4 Mama B. I love you bigger, better & more!

Life keeps going.

I guess it's been nearly 2 months since I've written anything. Wow. Time flies when you're having fun right?!! Every weekend has been booked since the end of June. There was drag racing, one points race left, he's out of the hard cast & into a walking cast AND he's in 2nd place! 2ND PLACE WITH A BROKEN ANKLE!! So drag racing, a visit from Natara, camping, wedding planning, 1st birthday parties, work (I still do that sometimes), Motley Crue concert...I'm sure I'm leaving something out. Summer has been busy!

Last year at the cabin.

This weekend was no exception. The first weekend of August we always go to the cabin with close friends & family. It's tradition. It takes a lot of preparation & strategic packing to fit all our stuff & us in the car & then there's the long drive, but at the end, there's the cabin. That first time the door is opened & it smells like Dad, the kids playing in the creek all day, catching up with folks we only see once a year, watching the kids get bigger while we all stay the same, ladder golf, old stories around the fire, s'mores, laughing & loving every second of it.

These two made it 64 years! <3

Only this year we didn't go. On Monday my grandpa went to the hospital. We went down Monday night & said our goodbyes. We couldn't stay because Ky couldn't miss the last 3 days of summer school. Ugh. So we drove home late on Monday. On Tuesday Uncle Dave made the call to cancel camp-out. On Wednesday morning Grandpa passed away. He was 94 years old & it was he & Grandma's 64th wedding anniversary that day. He had a good, long life. It was hard for those of us letting go even though we all know he's in a better place. Now my dad has his dad to hang out with. Grandma is still pretty young for a 91 year old lady...I think she'll stay with us a while longer. I hope!!

Talon got to go as high as that jumpy thing went!

Ky's little brother, Talon (you know that cute lil guy), was coming with us to the cabin. The plan was to leave Thursday. I can't give up my Talon time so he came to visit on Thursday & we just made new plans...because life keeps going. Thursday we went to the fair. Jim & the kids met us there. We ate fair food, petted fair animals, rode the rides & won some prizes. We loved the fair!

Talon beat Liz & Jim at this game.

Then Thursday night, as we were leaving fair, Mikey asked if I wanted to go fishing Friday morning... Ummmm YES!!! 
I LOVE FISHING! So we made sure it was OK with Talon's mama since we would be going out in the ocean & then we went to get food & fishing licenses. And then to bed. 4am comes quick!

We got on the boat at 5am Friday, bundled up, rain gear & life jacket on, ready to catch fish. Talon was concerned that there might be giant sharks in the ocean...I guess he's been watching Jaws. We told him we probably weren't going to get attacked by giant sharks & headed out. It was a bumpy ride across the bar. Talon got seasick out on the ocean. We got our limit & headed back in. It was a fun, fast trip. He loves fishing even though he got seasick & doesn't eat fish! We didn't see any sharks. We got our fish filleted & vacuum packed, went home before 10am, showered & took a LONG nap! After our nap we shared some of it...I think he liked delivering fish as much as he liked going fishing! 

Saturday we had breakfast on the front porch...after we slept in. He helped me water the plants & do housework. We talked about all kinds of stuff. You can learn a lot from a 5 year old! Here are some things we learned this weekend:

Who could resist this guy??!!!

• Talon's dirt bike goes 60 hundred miles per hour.
• No matter what the game says, Talon won.
• Talon speaks Cat...just ask Pup & Beasty.
• Sleep is healthy for you & your belly...he told me, "Jasmine, we both really need to sleep. It's good for your body!" Then a few minutes later, "Our stomachs are very tired & they want us to go to bed."

Saturday afternoon he got to visit Sanna...a must for every time he's here! Later that night we went to the arcade with Jim & the kids. Ky declined our invitation. She missed out on a good time. I think this weekend had Jim & I feeling like teenagers. My heart is very happy! Talon won every time he raced one of us. He is the fastest EV-EH! Duh!! It was another fun filled late night.

Did you know Jim can dance? AND he really wins all the races!!

Sunday held more sleeping in & coffee (or hot chocolate) on the front porch, then shopping & Sunday Market with Coach & Holly. After we got some food in our bellies we picked up Sissy (Ky) & headed to see Aunt Mouse & more the of the cousins at the lake. They were a wet, sandy mess when I left them in Mouse's care for the night & headed to my very quiet, mostly clean house. 

Look at the face on Ky...gorgeous. We were a little chilly once the sun left our spot at the lake!

We had a very busy weekend. We had a lot of firsts. Our first trip to the fair together, Talon's first fishing trip, our first arcade trip together, Jim's first photo booth session, my first time playing Fascination. It was a lot of fun. We love the firsts. In 12 days we have another first planned:

Talon's first time at the drag races!!!

Tomorrow I will drive that little guy home. Then we have a busy week of working, packing, final wedding preparations & on Saturday my Sissy Poo Poo marries the love of her life! The week started with a sad goodbye, but life kept going & look at all the happiness it brought!

We will miss you Grandpa Wes! 

And it's only Wednesday...

You know how they say "shit's about to get real"? Well it's real alright. I know there's a light at the end of this tunnel & we are doing everything we can & everything we are supposed to & all that...yeah, yeah, yeah. That light seems very distant some days. Like today, like yesterday, like this weekend & last week. Seriously...F**KKKKK!!! You know some weeks will be harder, you try to prepare for that, but there's no amount of preparing that will really make it all better, or easier, or just go away.

So last week I said "I might be a little off for the next week or so...it would be my dad's 60th birthday & then it's Father's Day & it'll be a little harder for me so I just want to put out the warning now. If I'm off, that's why." Luckily I'm blessed with an amazing, supportive man & also amazing, supportive friends & family. If not, I'd really be a train wreck right now. Not just like a minor fender bender...

I'm very grateful for all the people who love & support me. I'm also very understanding that everyone has their own stuff & that might interfere with my need for a mental breakdown. I get it. Everyone does their best & that's all we can do. Wouldn't it be nice though if you could say "this week is gonna suck so I need all my people to drop what they've got going on & just snuggle in with me for a 3 day movie marathon...bring all the good snacks & some drinks!"?? Yep. That would be pretty great. That is not how being a grown up works. Not. At. All. It works like this: 

I'm gearing up to survive the weekend, support system confirmed. 

Wednesday night there's a broken ankle...just the universe throwing a wrench in everyone's lives, so that poor guy has to take some time off from his true love: drag racing.

Thursday I had a much needed girls' day.

Friday got some Mom/Sissy/family time in.

Saturday I'm just exhausted & Love was sweet enough to take me on a date.

Sunday drag racing was out so more doing as little as possible & some wine.

Monday...Dad's birthday...SLEEP, snuggled, made yummy dinner & snuggled some more.

Tuesday was a pretty good day.

Today...let me tell you about today...

I got a call from the school before I had finished my coffee. My precious daughter asked a 6th grade boy to bring her weed to school, he did, he gave it to her, but told her he had stolen it so she decided not to take the chance that it had something else in it & flushed it. (One smart choice in there...) This was after others had heard about it, they notified school officials, the police were called, a report was filed, she was read her rights, but without physical evidence there was no arrest. She's done for the school year & unable to attend 8th grade promotion. She's lucky that is all that happened. I feel like I just discussed with her every scenario regarding drugs & alcohol with a big emphasis on TAKING IT TO SCHOOL IS VERY BAD. Oh, yes, yes I did have that talk about a month ago...glad it helped. 

So I let her make the calls explaining why everyone didn't need to worry about attending her 8th grade promotion. Imagine having that chat with your grandma. I also decided that writing about it was more constructive than screaming or crying & hey, if she's embarrassed that anyone reading this knows her business, EVEN BETTER! I feel like this isn't the worst way to handle the situation. I didn't yell or berate her, I didn't beat her, I didn't beg the officer to please put her in juvenile detention just for a night! I'm still working on the rest of my creative consequences. 

With all of this going on, plus the other challenges we are facing in making our kids comfortable & everyone happy, a beastly kitten who (THANK THE LORD) goes in to get spayed on Friday & will hopefully stop her mating cry & peeing, and my taking some time off work this past month & a half, I am feeling that I would like to crawl in to bed, go to sleep & wake up next year when things have smoothed out some. Here's where being a grown up really blows...I can't. I don't get to. It is my job (not solely, but partly) to make sure the kids are comfortable, my kid stops self-destructing, nothing is permanently ruined by Beasty and that we make it through this tunnel as unscathed as possible...and we'll be stronger for it. 

So once more:

THANK YOU TO MY PEOPLE & MY LOVE FOR BACKING ME UP!!! 
I WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT YOU!!!

It's All New

Hi. It's been a while. Sorry. Life has been crazy. It isn't slowing down anytime soon...but my SS is insisting on a blog so this one's for her. I should be cleaning my house. Clean houses are overrated.

What have I been up to you ask, these past couple months that I left you in silence? Let's see...first date, second date, lots of dates, double dates, birthday dinners, watching races, weekend getaways, Chelsea Handler for my birthday!!!!, track meets, work (of course), catching up with old friends, welcoming new friends, meeting kids, sunbathing, making plans, juggling & balancing & figuring out how it will all work out...oh & trying to let it all happen naturally without over-analyzing or worrying about things beyond our control. 

So the house is a mess, some of the paperwork is getting a little behind, but it will get caught up soon enough. There is food in the house, the bills are paid, the laundry is washed & dried. We are coming into the time of year when we pack, leave, have fun, come home, unpack, maybe wash some clothes, and start all over a few days later. Ahhhh summertime! I think this one is more action packed than ever if that's even imaginable! There are races, several 1st birthday parties, a wedding, camping, a reception...the weekends are almost all full & I don't even know when the fishing trips are yet!!! 

This past week we double dated, celebrated Mother's Day, went to Sunday Market & brunch, had dinner with friends, had a birthday dinner with more friends and that covers Saturday - Tuesday. Friday night it's off to the cabin. It'll be quiet, no cell phones, no TV, just quiet. Time to relax. Time to slow it down for a minute. I can't wait to walk into that cabin Friday night & for a minute it'll smell like Daddy Dearest. When I walk through the door it will be like he's still there & it hasn't been 7.5 years already. It will be the same & then it will be different because this time there will be someone seeing it all for the first time. Making new memories. It will be amazing. 

It's all new, everything changes, and it is all as it should be. The timing is right or the stars aligned or something because suddenly it all fell into place...it looks crazy & hectic, there's more going on than ever before, and yet at the end of the day, it is just right.

419 & Third Eye Blind

I knew going in that this weekend would be so full of emotions that by the time I got home tonight I would be exhausted. I was right. So as I sit here on the other side I'm thankful for all that we were able to pack into it. I'm thankful for the exhaustion. I know tonight, in my bed, I will sleep so hard because I've had 3 action packed days with 3 nights that didn't have much sleep. 

Friday night: laughs & love & yummy food with lots of friends, followed by laundry, housework & packing for the weekend. 3.5 hours sleep.

Saturday: way too early in the morning drive to Mac, hop in with Sissy & my niecelings & we are off to Beaverton to meet Mama & get a dress. Her wedding dress was ordered, the date was set, we ate way too much at the Cheesecake Factory in celebration & started planning a reception, then back to Mac & a late night of catching up with my Wicked.  5 hours.

Sunday: I hate Spring Forward...it is my least favorite day of the year. Lunch with Grandma, Sissy & lil Isabelle, visit with Grandpa, off to Beaverton for a close friend's baby shower, then a long overdue visit with another of my girls...too much food, never too many laughs, beers, movies, love. 6 hours.

Monday: Drove home via highway 30 so we could visit Talon, Burgerville then frozen yogurt. That lil guy is too cute. LOVE. Then pizza with some of the Bjaransons & Thorntons. And The Bachelor...I'll devote an entire blog to what's wrong with that show. Stay tuned.

Dress #2...no this isn't THE ONE.

We made it. Saturday was incredible. My mom, sister, nieces, daughter & I all picking a dress for my baby sister to marry the love of her life in. The dress is gorgeous. We had a blast. Ky wanted her to ring the bell from dress one. She chose dress six. Every time she walked out it was "Auntie that dress is the one! Ring the bell!!" I texted the Mother of the Groom every dress along the way. 

Neither is this one...this is the runner up.

 Amber chose, Isis got fitted for her dress, we loaded into the van to go celebrate at the Cheesecake Factory & Uncle Dave called to confirm the date she chose was good. She didn't cry because she's not much of a crier, I barely held it together. Her wedding will be at the creek, where Dad & Uncle Dave built their cabins, where Dad wanted to retire, where his ashes were spread. He can't walk her down the aisle, but he will be everywhere around us. 

That & the idea of Ky also missing out on her daddy walking her down the aisle (in the VERY DISTANT future) then topped off with the overwhelming joy for Amber that she's found this amazing man who she loves, that loves her, that we love, it was all, um..well, overwhelming, amazing, so much! So I breathed & looked out the window & laughed & ordered a drink when we finally got to the restaurant. 

Sunday visiting the grandparents was great. Isabelle even cheered up Grandpa who is looking much more than his almost 94 years these days. Our visit was too short as usual. Then it was off to a baby shower. Here's what happened...

wedding dress shopping + baby shower = 

Ky: You need to get married so I can be your maid of honor & have a baby so I can throw you a baby shower. 

Me: So I need to get married & have another baby because you want to be a MOH & throw a baby shower? Not because you love me & are concerned for my happiness?

Ky: Yes...well I want you to be happy, but yes for me. So, if you have another baby what would you name it?

Me: Um, how 'bout Not Having One?...

Notice I gave it two middle names just like I gave Ky...

I made it through the weekend. I packed it so full that I wouldn't have much time to concentrate on Monday being 2 years since I got that life altering call, on another weekend with my sister...her 30th birthday weekend in Seattle. Two years since the Lady Cecelia went down & everything changed. It was on my mind all weekend, but really there's not a day when it isn't. There's always something that keeps it right up front in my mind. Saturday morning it was Third Eye Blind on the radio & suddenly it was 1999 & I was driving with Jay, not a care in the world, no idea that by the end of the year we'd be parents and life would never be the same. Sometimes it's Third Eye Blind, Little Big Town or Matchbox Twenty on the radio...or Drowning Pool, of all the terribly ironic band names, to bring him right back. Other times I just happen to look at the clock & it's 4:19, that's his birthday & his racing number.

 Sometimes it's a face that she makes or something she says, but whatever it is he's always around. Just sometimes it's like being hit by a train. One minute everything is normal, the next you're spinning. I think he does this on purpose...

I didn't anticipate this. I knew no matter how much we fought (A LOT) or how mad he made me (WHITE HOT) at times, I NEVER didn't want him here, but I never would've guessed that I would miss his stubborn ass so much. I hurt for everything I know she won't have him there for. I hurt for everything he's missing. I hurt because I know what it feels like to want your dad there after he's gone. I hurt for his family who miss him terribly. Yes I know he's still with us in spirit, but it isn't the same. I do smile with tears in my eyes whenever he sends me the occasional reminder. 

Today we had a good visit with Talon, took flowers to the Maritime Memorial & then spent the evening in Hammond watching mindless TV, eating pizza & loving each other to help ease the pain. He's gone, but never forgotten. We made it through another year. It seems crazy that 2 years have passed until you think of all that he's already missed. It flew by & yet it seems like yesterday. 

Don't forget to take every opportunity to tell the ones you love just how much they mean. You never know when it will be the last time. 8-4 (That's Bjaranson for I love you.)

I'll Strive For Pleasant

It was a long week. There have been worse weeks. There was plenty of good in the week. There were some things that I'd prefer to erase from the week. I know it is just a week. Tomorrow is a new day. Duh.

Tonight, as usual, I had to ask Ky several times to do the dishes. This starts with, "your chores need to be done" or "please do you chores" escalates to "KYLIE! Get. Out Here. And. DO. THE. DISHES!" and typically ends in yelling, things being slammed around, possibly a broken dish and, if I'm really lucky, having to call her back out a few more times to get things done correctly. Tonight we went a step past it. It was awful. Let me set the scene.

Last night we came home to the furnace not working so it is 56 degrees in this joint. I have a fire in the fireplace, there are plenty of blankets, we have lots of warm jammies to bundle in, it could have been fixed today, but it's Sunday & people should be able to enjoy it, not come out on their time off to fix something that won't kill me. I thought maybe camping out in the living room watching movies by the fire was a good plan tonight. It might've been how the night went had I not had the nerve to ask Ky to do her chores. Of course all the usual drama was present. The "I didn't even make these dirty, all I ever do is dishes, blah, blah, blah..." Then came the glass hitting the sink with enough force that had it not been a Mason jar, I'd have been digging glass out of my garbage disposal...hoping Ky didn't turn it on while my hand was in there. OK, my real fear is it magically starts up, but she is pretty grumpy by this point in her chores... Not sure what caused the snap, but I smacked her in the arm. Not my best moment. Definitely could have handled that better. No it didn't make things better. Now she's a victim of child abuse & then she pulled the "I HATE YOU!!!" card. I put soap in her mouth. So now she hates me, thinks I'm abusing her, I feel hideous & she's grounded from her phone.

Could I have handled this better? YES. Did I want to cry? Definitely. If I had a rewind button would I go back & behave better? I hope so. Do I regret my reflexive reaction to smack her in the arm? Of course. 

It's been over an hour. Have I cooled down? Not really...why do you think I'm writing this. Here's the facts:

• She isn't abused. Even after smacking her in the arm tonight I know I am not a mother who beats her child. 
• I am a mother who loves her child & lost her mind for a moment.
• She knows exactly what buttons to push to wage war. I fell for it. I should know better.
• Putting soap in the mouth of your 14 year old is no easy feat.
• This wasn't how I wanted to end the weekend.

Chores are done. She is in bed. I'm still wallowing in my guilt. Last weekend she was in my position. That's one of the many things I reminded her of while she did the dishes tonight, hating me. Last Friday she was washing her little brother's hair, he was screaming like every time his hair gets washed, she came out of the bathroom crying because he told her he didn't love her & didn't want her to be his sister anymore. I told her to think of that the next time she wanted to tell someone who loves her that she hates them. Then I told her to think of what it would be like if the last words you spoke to someone you loved were filled with hatred. 

We know loss. We know tragedy. It hasn't been long since we experienced it slicing through this family like a sword of ice. One night someone is leaving for work, then suddenly even the Coast Guard can't find them. The 2 year anniversary is fast approaching. Loved ones are precious even when they aren't being even remotely tolerable. Once they are gone there's a void that no other can ever fill. They take a piece of you with them. Sure it gets easier to still be living after they are lost. Eventually you don't cry at every memory. You can smile without crying when something suddenly brings them to mind, but it will never be the same again.

We all know this, we've all lost something, yet these are the people we take for granted. These loves, nearest & dearest our hearts get our worst selves. Kylie got my worst self tonight. I don't quite know why. Maybe "I hate you" was more than I could take tonight. It doesn't excuse my reaction. My heart breaks at the thought of someone or something causing any more pain in her life, but tonight I reacted with rage not grace. We had a weekend filled with family friends & love, but tonight she went to bed angry & hurt. I'll go to bed hurt & disappointed. I hope to do better in the morning. I know that will be a challenge, but I'm going to try to do better. Morning is my hardest time to be nice. I decided last week that maybe if we just didn't speak to each other in the mornings our days would start better. That being said, tomorrow I will strive for pleasant & kind. My goal will be love & tenderness. 

When I drop her off at school I will tell her I love her. I don't tell her out of habit, or guilt at our previous night's fight, or to hear her say it back...that one is rare at 14 it seems. My love for her is painful & at the same time more tremendous than I could ever have imagined. No matter how much I yell in the morning my love is behind that beastly face. "I love you" will always be the last words she hears before we go our separate ways for an hour, for the day, for a few days. You never know if that "I love you" might be the last.

Good night. 

I. Love. You.

The Addiction Plague

Another story in the news today. Another celebrity loses their struggle against addiction. It is tragic. It made the news because this was a face well known in Hollywood, but there are many faces not so well known that lost their struggle today as well. Today, yesterday, the day before, the weeks, months, years, decades & centuries before. This epidemic is not new. It didn't just pop up in 2014. Maybe some of the drugs are new, but isn't that just a new strain of the same virus? There will always be something consuming the lives that dare to dabble in its elusive proposition because there will always be those willing to dare.

I am grateful that my worst addiction was tobacco & that over 12 years later I have no desire to indulge in just one drag. None. Well now, that isn't true. There have been a few days when the choice not to smoke wasn't automatic, but as quickly as I desired it I was disgusted by that desire. It's difficult for the 33 year old version of me to believe there was once a version of me that actually enjoyed smoking. What a silly girl she was. Girl. I was 12 when I had my first cigarette & 21 when I quit for the last time.

More than that, I am grateful that a mixture of fear & common sense, but mostly fear, kept me from trying anything harder than tobacco, alcohol & marijuana. I'm almost 34 & still afraid of pain pills. I had to take vicodin after a tooth extraction once & those 18 pills still weren't all gone a year & a half later. In fact, I think that pain pills may scare me the most. They seem to be the answer for most pains, especially those that aren't easily explained. Here's a prescription for the pain...hopefully it'll be gone when these are. Maybe it works. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe by the time the pain is bearable there's a new pain that can only go away with more of those pills, but they cost so much. Heroin is cheaper. Let's try that. BAM! Now you've got the girl with golden eyes seducing her way into your arms every night. This is why pain pills scare me more than heroin. AND I NEVER EVER wanted anything to do with heroin. (Or meth, or coke, or crack...any of it.)

I watched heroin & meth tear down good people. Some lost everything. Some lost everything & then their life. Some lost everything for a while & hopefully will be able to rebuild their lives & stay clean for the remainder of their days. It is their choice to make. That future is theirs if they choose it. They can choose to live or they can choose addiction. Either way, it is theirs exclusively. No one can decide for them. No one can fix them. No one can be their fix. If they want life, they have to wake up & take life everyday. They will never not be an addict. They will be an addict who chooses sobriety...everyday...for the rest of their life. It might become a choice they make automatically, but there will be days they are tested, there will be things that trigger that old habit. The triggers might be subtle like a song, they might be brutal like the loss of someone dear to their heart or they might be in their face like an offer by someone in the clutches of addiction. Whatever the spark, only they can decide to smother or ignite it.

These people walk among you everyday. Maybe you know their story. Maybe you don't. Could be you know their story because they trusted you to love them unconditionally, to know that telling you was the bravest step they've made aside from getting clean. But maybe you don't know because telling you would risk how you see them. You see them now as a functioning member of society...a good normal person...and they aren't sure you'll ever look at them the same once you know their truth. Will you? Will you look at them with compassion? Or will it be empathy, for your story is so parallel to theirs? Will you look to them with grace for all they have overcome & all they have yet to conquer? For most of us one or some of these will be true, but for some their frightening admission of this will forever change the way they are perceived by this person. That is why you may not know. The idea of that shift that could shatter it all is so terrifying it may haunt every new relationship be it business or personal, friendship or more. It could be the history of use or the behavior that ensued during that use which hinders their ability to come clean about being clean. Maybe it is both. 

Yet with that cross to bear, they are the lucky ones because they continue to have a choice. They still have another morning. Another chance. So many don't. They are gone. They paid the price with their life. Likely they left behind loved ones who couldn't save them. Who have questions that will never be answered & pain that cannot be cured. They are here relentlessly doubting the choices they made, wondering if they could have done more or why they didn't see it. Never fully understanding why.

Now as a mother I look at all this from one more perspective: How do I convince my daughter not to go down a path from which she may never return? Is there anything I can say that will guarantee her safety? Will ensure her immunity to this? No. Not a single thing. I can give her my reasons. I can show her examples. I can read her an article every.single.time. I come across one, but none of these things can stop her because ultimately it will be her decision. I won't be standing there to make it for her. I can only hope in my heart of hearts that she will choose life & not take the risk. That she will love herself enough to not become one of the Not Quite Dead. So I pray that when she gets to this bridge I've done all that I could to get her safely over. Unscathed & untouched by this all too common thief of life.

I don't think this is going to get my point across...

If you aren't familiar with Sixx A.M., start with The Heroin Diaries (the book) then listen to the CD. If you haven't read any blogs by I Want a Dumpster Baby, you might want to look her up on Facebook...you know if the links in here left you needing more of either one!