This is where we camp now. If you look closely you can see his 2 oldest granddaughters on the front porch. Every time I visit the cabin, the first time I walk through the door, I can still smell him. I hope that never goes away. It isn't a huge cabin, but Sissy & I can fit our families in there very cozily. That's what it is for. He wanted to retire there. He would have been happy to live there forever, but he settled for almost every weekend.
Every Sunday that he drove home from there he would call to catch up with me. Usually "Hey Ja, what's going on? Girlfriend & I are headed back from the cabin..." He called his grandbabies Girlfriend among other things, like Princess Thunderbottom. Isis spent almost every weekend down there with him. She was his right hand girl.
The day he told me he was sick was on a drive home from the cabin call. It started out like all the others in his fun way that he had. I suppose that makes it easier to tell your daughter her days with you are numbered. I can't imagine how I would approach a conversation like that. He started with "I've got good news, the doctors finally figured out what is wrong..." I was all excited to hear that everything was going to be better because it was late August & he'd been feeling less than 100% since he got diagnosed with Pancreatitis in January...no cancer then. But now it is August & they've figured out what is wrong, which he went on to tell me was a tumor & that a tumor on your pancreas is very likely cancer. Then he kept on with "we have been researching alternative treatments & I'm not doing chemo because the odds aren't worth losing my quality of life..." So we finished our talk while I sat in the touchless carwash with my daughter & my friend's daughter in the backseat. Then I texted my friend so she knew why I was bringing the kids back so soon.
This day changed it all. Everything went into fast forward. I lost some of my mind. I got a smartphone to keep track of basically every single thing I had to do. September 14, 2007 they gave him 3-6 months. He passed on December 13, 2007. I have never in my life experienced a shorter 3 months. I am grateful that we were able to say goodbye. Not everyone gets that. I have the comfort of knowing I was there to hold his hand at the end.
Now, 6 years later, I have over 27 years of memories of this amazing man. I see his smile on my face everyday. Sometimes he comes to visit in my dreams & I'm pretty angry when I wake up from those dreams too soon, but I'm glad that I have them & that I wake up everyday. I still want to tell him my triumphs & cry to him when times get hard. I've picked up the phone a few times & had his number pulled up in my dialer before I realized it isn't going to reach him anymore. It doesn't get easier with time. A good friend told me, in the midst of the craziness of his last 3 months, that the reason it was so hard is because he was such a good daddy. They were right!
I know many who have suffered the loss of a parent, including my own daughter. It is unimaginable pain. There are some who would let this pain so close to the holidays ruin this time of year for them, but I know that would only make him sad. He never wanted to see us hurting. This has always been my favorite time of the year because no matter how far away we lived, this time of the year always meant we would be with our family. So I will continue our traditions & I will make more memories, new traditions with the family & friends that we still have with us. I will be grateful that they are still here & grateful for the time I did have with him. I will love silly things like leg lamps & flamingos with Santa hats on because they remind me of him. Sometimes I will be sad to think of things he should be here for. I know he's watching, but I'd sure prefer him in the flesh. I do believe that sometimes he's there in others. For those in my life that never met him, but somehow say something he always said to me without knowing...I am extremely thankful. Those moments can change everything. They turn a whole day around. They mean the world.
So my Christmas wish for you is love. Love to you & yours. Make sure you let them know how much you treasure them & that you wouldn't be the same without them. Hug them tight. Our days here are numbered. Cherish the tiny things that make you smile. Watch your favorite Christmas movie everyday if you want...sing along to every Christmas song. For my grinchy friends, thanks for tolerating my holiday cheer. You know I need it to get past the hard parts of the holiday season. Much love.
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