Life keeps going.

I guess it's been nearly 2 months since I've written anything. Wow. Time flies when you're having fun right?!! Every weekend has been booked since the end of June. There was drag racing, one points race left, he's out of the hard cast & into a walking cast AND he's in 2nd place! 2ND PLACE WITH A BROKEN ANKLE!! So drag racing, a visit from Natara, camping, wedding planning, 1st birthday parties, work (I still do that sometimes), Motley Crue concert...I'm sure I'm leaving something out. Summer has been busy!

Last year at the cabin.

This weekend was no exception. The first weekend of August we always go to the cabin with close friends & family. It's tradition. It takes a lot of preparation & strategic packing to fit all our stuff & us in the car & then there's the long drive, but at the end, there's the cabin. That first time the door is opened & it smells like Dad, the kids playing in the creek all day, catching up with folks we only see once a year, watching the kids get bigger while we all stay the same, ladder golf, old stories around the fire, s'mores, laughing & loving every second of it.

These two made it 64 years! <3

Only this year we didn't go. On Monday my grandpa went to the hospital. We went down Monday night & said our goodbyes. We couldn't stay because Ky couldn't miss the last 3 days of summer school. Ugh. So we drove home late on Monday. On Tuesday Uncle Dave made the call to cancel camp-out. On Wednesday morning Grandpa passed away. He was 94 years old & it was he & Grandma's 64th wedding anniversary that day. He had a good, long life. It was hard for those of us letting go even though we all know he's in a better place. Now my dad has his dad to hang out with. Grandma is still pretty young for a 91 year old lady...I think she'll stay with us a while longer. I hope!!

Talon got to go as high as that jumpy thing went!

Ky's little brother, Talon (you know that cute lil guy), was coming with us to the cabin. The plan was to leave Thursday. I can't give up my Talon time so he came to visit on Thursday & we just made new plans...because life keeps going. Thursday we went to the fair. Jim & the kids met us there. We ate fair food, petted fair animals, rode the rides & won some prizes. We loved the fair!

Talon beat Liz & Jim at this game.

Then Thursday night, as we were leaving fair, Mikey asked if I wanted to go fishing Friday morning... Ummmm YES!!! 
I LOVE FISHING! So we made sure it was OK with Talon's mama since we would be going out in the ocean & then we went to get food & fishing licenses. And then to bed. 4am comes quick!

We got on the boat at 5am Friday, bundled up, rain gear & life jacket on, ready to catch fish. Talon was concerned that there might be giant sharks in the ocean...I guess he's been watching Jaws. We told him we probably weren't going to get attacked by giant sharks & headed out. It was a bumpy ride across the bar. Talon got seasick out on the ocean. We got our limit & headed back in. It was a fun, fast trip. He loves fishing even though he got seasick & doesn't eat fish! We didn't see any sharks. We got our fish filleted & vacuum packed, went home before 10am, showered & took a LONG nap! After our nap we shared some of it...I think he liked delivering fish as much as he liked going fishing! 

Saturday we had breakfast on the front porch...after we slept in. He helped me water the plants & do housework. We talked about all kinds of stuff. You can learn a lot from a 5 year old! Here are some things we learned this weekend:

Who could resist this guy??!!!

• Talon's dirt bike goes 60 hundred miles per hour.
• No matter what the game says, Talon won.
• Talon speaks Cat...just ask Pup & Beasty.
• Sleep is healthy for you & your belly...he told me, "Jasmine, we both really need to sleep. It's good for your body!" Then a few minutes later, "Our stomachs are very tired & they want us to go to bed."

Saturday afternoon he got to visit Sanna...a must for every time he's here! Later that night we went to the arcade with Jim & the kids. Ky declined our invitation. She missed out on a good time. I think this weekend had Jim & I feeling like teenagers. My heart is very happy! Talon won every time he raced one of us. He is the fastest EV-EH! Duh!! It was another fun filled late night.

Did you know Jim can dance? AND he really wins all the races!!

Sunday held more sleeping in & coffee (or hot chocolate) on the front porch, then shopping & Sunday Market with Coach & Holly. After we got some food in our bellies we picked up Sissy (Ky) & headed to see Aunt Mouse & more the of the cousins at the lake. They were a wet, sandy mess when I left them in Mouse's care for the night & headed to my very quiet, mostly clean house. 

Look at the face on Ky...gorgeous. We were a little chilly once the sun left our spot at the lake!

We had a very busy weekend. We had a lot of firsts. Our first trip to the fair together, Talon's first fishing trip, our first arcade trip together, Jim's first photo booth session, my first time playing Fascination. It was a lot of fun. We love the firsts. In 12 days we have another first planned:

Talon's first time at the drag races!!!

Tomorrow I will drive that little guy home. Then we have a busy week of working, packing, final wedding preparations & on Saturday my Sissy Poo Poo marries the love of her life! The week started with a sad goodbye, but life kept going & look at all the happiness it brought!

We will miss you Grandpa Wes! 

And it's only Wednesday...

You know how they say "shit's about to get real"? Well it's real alright. I know there's a light at the end of this tunnel & we are doing everything we can & everything we are supposed to & all that...yeah, yeah, yeah. That light seems very distant some days. Like today, like yesterday, like this weekend & last week. Seriously...F**KKKKK!!! You know some weeks will be harder, you try to prepare for that, but there's no amount of preparing that will really make it all better, or easier, or just go away.

So last week I said "I might be a little off for the next week or so...it would be my dad's 60th birthday & then it's Father's Day & it'll be a little harder for me so I just want to put out the warning now. If I'm off, that's why." Luckily I'm blessed with an amazing, supportive man & also amazing, supportive friends & family. If not, I'd really be a train wreck right now. Not just like a minor fender bender...

I'm very grateful for all the people who love & support me. I'm also very understanding that everyone has their own stuff & that might interfere with my need for a mental breakdown. I get it. Everyone does their best & that's all we can do. Wouldn't it be nice though if you could say "this week is gonna suck so I need all my people to drop what they've got going on & just snuggle in with me for a 3 day movie marathon...bring all the good snacks & some drinks!"?? Yep. That would be pretty great. That is not how being a grown up works. Not. At. All. It works like this: 

I'm gearing up to survive the weekend, support system confirmed. 

Wednesday night there's a broken ankle...just the universe throwing a wrench in everyone's lives, so that poor guy has to take some time off from his true love: drag racing.

Thursday I had a much needed girls' day.

Friday got some Mom/Sissy/family time in.

Saturday I'm just exhausted & Love was sweet enough to take me on a date.

Sunday drag racing was out so more doing as little as possible & some wine.

Monday...Dad's birthday...SLEEP, snuggled, made yummy dinner & snuggled some more.

Tuesday was a pretty good day.

Today...let me tell you about today...

I got a call from the school before I had finished my coffee. My precious daughter asked a 6th grade boy to bring her weed to school, he did, he gave it to her, but told her he had stolen it so she decided not to take the chance that it had something else in it & flushed it. (One smart choice in there...) This was after others had heard about it, they notified school officials, the police were called, a report was filed, she was read her rights, but without physical evidence there was no arrest. She's done for the school year & unable to attend 8th grade promotion. She's lucky that is all that happened. I feel like I just discussed with her every scenario regarding drugs & alcohol with a big emphasis on TAKING IT TO SCHOOL IS VERY BAD. Oh, yes, yes I did have that talk about a month ago...glad it helped. 

So I let her make the calls explaining why everyone didn't need to worry about attending her 8th grade promotion. Imagine having that chat with your grandma. I also decided that writing about it was more constructive than screaming or crying & hey, if she's embarrassed that anyone reading this knows her business, EVEN BETTER! I feel like this isn't the worst way to handle the situation. I didn't yell or berate her, I didn't beat her, I didn't beg the officer to please put her in juvenile detention just for a night! I'm still working on the rest of my creative consequences. 

With all of this going on, plus the other challenges we are facing in making our kids comfortable & everyone happy, a beastly kitten who (THANK THE LORD) goes in to get spayed on Friday & will hopefully stop her mating cry & peeing, and my taking some time off work this past month & a half, I am feeling that I would like to crawl in to bed, go to sleep & wake up next year when things have smoothed out some. Here's where being a grown up really blows...I can't. I don't get to. It is my job (not solely, but partly) to make sure the kids are comfortable, my kid stops self-destructing, nothing is permanently ruined by Beasty and that we make it through this tunnel as unscathed as possible...and we'll be stronger for it. 

So once more:

THANK YOU TO MY PEOPLE & MY LOVE FOR BACKING ME UP!!! 
I WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT YOU!!!

It's All New

Hi. It's been a while. Sorry. Life has been crazy. It isn't slowing down anytime soon...but my SS is insisting on a blog so this one's for her. I should be cleaning my house. Clean houses are overrated.

What have I been up to you ask, these past couple months that I left you in silence? Let's see...first date, second date, lots of dates, double dates, birthday dinners, watching races, weekend getaways, Chelsea Handler for my birthday!!!!, track meets, work (of course), catching up with old friends, welcoming new friends, meeting kids, sunbathing, making plans, juggling & balancing & figuring out how it will all work out...oh & trying to let it all happen naturally without over-analyzing or worrying about things beyond our control. 

So the house is a mess, some of the paperwork is getting a little behind, but it will get caught up soon enough. There is food in the house, the bills are paid, the laundry is washed & dried. We are coming into the time of year when we pack, leave, have fun, come home, unpack, maybe wash some clothes, and start all over a few days later. Ahhhh summertime! I think this one is more action packed than ever if that's even imaginable! There are races, several 1st birthday parties, a wedding, camping, a reception...the weekends are almost all full & I don't even know when the fishing trips are yet!!! 

This past week we double dated, celebrated Mother's Day, went to Sunday Market & brunch, had dinner with friends, had a birthday dinner with more friends and that covers Saturday - Tuesday. Friday night it's off to the cabin. It'll be quiet, no cell phones, no TV, just quiet. Time to relax. Time to slow it down for a minute. I can't wait to walk into that cabin Friday night & for a minute it'll smell like Daddy Dearest. When I walk through the door it will be like he's still there & it hasn't been 7.5 years already. It will be the same & then it will be different because this time there will be someone seeing it all for the first time. Making new memories. It will be amazing. 

It's all new, everything changes, and it is all as it should be. The timing is right or the stars aligned or something because suddenly it all fell into place...it looks crazy & hectic, there's more going on than ever before, and yet at the end of the day, it is just right.

419 & Third Eye Blind

I knew going in that this weekend would be so full of emotions that by the time I got home tonight I would be exhausted. I was right. So as I sit here on the other side I'm thankful for all that we were able to pack into it. I'm thankful for the exhaustion. I know tonight, in my bed, I will sleep so hard because I've had 3 action packed days with 3 nights that didn't have much sleep. 

Friday night: laughs & love & yummy food with lots of friends, followed by laundry, housework & packing for the weekend. 3.5 hours sleep.

Saturday: way too early in the morning drive to Mac, hop in with Sissy & my niecelings & we are off to Beaverton to meet Mama & get a dress. Her wedding dress was ordered, the date was set, we ate way too much at the Cheesecake Factory in celebration & started planning a reception, then back to Mac & a late night of catching up with my Wicked.  5 hours.

Sunday: I hate Spring Forward...it is my least favorite day of the year. Lunch with Grandma, Sissy & lil Isabelle, visit with Grandpa, off to Beaverton for a close friend's baby shower, then a long overdue visit with another of my girls...too much food, never too many laughs, beers, movies, love. 6 hours.

Monday: Drove home via highway 30 so we could visit Talon, Burgerville then frozen yogurt. That lil guy is too cute. LOVE. Then pizza with some of the Bjaransons & Thorntons. And The Bachelor...I'll devote an entire blog to what's wrong with that show. Stay tuned.

Dress #2...no this isn't THE ONE.

We made it. Saturday was incredible. My mom, sister, nieces, daughter & I all picking a dress for my baby sister to marry the love of her life in. The dress is gorgeous. We had a blast. Ky wanted her to ring the bell from dress one. She chose dress six. Every time she walked out it was "Auntie that dress is the one! Ring the bell!!" I texted the Mother of the Groom every dress along the way. 

Neither is this one...this is the runner up.

 Amber chose, Isis got fitted for her dress, we loaded into the van to go celebrate at the Cheesecake Factory & Uncle Dave called to confirm the date she chose was good. She didn't cry because she's not much of a crier, I barely held it together. Her wedding will be at the creek, where Dad & Uncle Dave built their cabins, where Dad wanted to retire, where his ashes were spread. He can't walk her down the aisle, but he will be everywhere around us. 

That & the idea of Ky also missing out on her daddy walking her down the aisle (in the VERY DISTANT future) then topped off with the overwhelming joy for Amber that she's found this amazing man who she loves, that loves her, that we love, it was all, um..well, overwhelming, amazing, so much! So I breathed & looked out the window & laughed & ordered a drink when we finally got to the restaurant. 

Sunday visiting the grandparents was great. Isabelle even cheered up Grandpa who is looking much more than his almost 94 years these days. Our visit was too short as usual. Then it was off to a baby shower. Here's what happened...

wedding dress shopping + baby shower = 

Ky: You need to get married so I can be your maid of honor & have a baby so I can throw you a baby shower. 

Me: So I need to get married & have another baby because you want to be a MOH & throw a baby shower? Not because you love me & are concerned for my happiness?

Ky: Yes...well I want you to be happy, but yes for me. So, if you have another baby what would you name it?

Me: Um, how 'bout Not Having One?...

Notice I gave it two middle names just like I gave Ky...

I made it through the weekend. I packed it so full that I wouldn't have much time to concentrate on Monday being 2 years since I got that life altering call, on another weekend with my sister...her 30th birthday weekend in Seattle. Two years since the Lady Cecelia went down & everything changed. It was on my mind all weekend, but really there's not a day when it isn't. There's always something that keeps it right up front in my mind. Saturday morning it was Third Eye Blind on the radio & suddenly it was 1999 & I was driving with Jay, not a care in the world, no idea that by the end of the year we'd be parents and life would never be the same. Sometimes it's Third Eye Blind, Little Big Town or Matchbox Twenty on the radio...or Drowning Pool, of all the terribly ironic band names, to bring him right back. Other times I just happen to look at the clock & it's 4:19, that's his birthday & his racing number.

 Sometimes it's a face that she makes or something she says, but whatever it is he's always around. Just sometimes it's like being hit by a train. One minute everything is normal, the next you're spinning. I think he does this on purpose...

I didn't anticipate this. I knew no matter how much we fought (A LOT) or how mad he made me (WHITE HOT) at times, I NEVER didn't want him here, but I never would've guessed that I would miss his stubborn ass so much. I hurt for everything I know she won't have him there for. I hurt for everything he's missing. I hurt because I know what it feels like to want your dad there after he's gone. I hurt for his family who miss him terribly. Yes I know he's still with us in spirit, but it isn't the same. I do smile with tears in my eyes whenever he sends me the occasional reminder. 

Today we had a good visit with Talon, took flowers to the Maritime Memorial & then spent the evening in Hammond watching mindless TV, eating pizza & loving each other to help ease the pain. He's gone, but never forgotten. We made it through another year. It seems crazy that 2 years have passed until you think of all that he's already missed. It flew by & yet it seems like yesterday. 

Don't forget to take every opportunity to tell the ones you love just how much they mean. You never know when it will be the last time. 8-4 (That's Bjaranson for I love you.)

I'll Strive For Pleasant

It was a long week. There have been worse weeks. There was plenty of good in the week. There were some things that I'd prefer to erase from the week. I know it is just a week. Tomorrow is a new day. Duh.

Tonight, as usual, I had to ask Ky several times to do the dishes. This starts with, "your chores need to be done" or "please do you chores" escalates to "KYLIE! Get. Out Here. And. DO. THE. DISHES!" and typically ends in yelling, things being slammed around, possibly a broken dish and, if I'm really lucky, having to call her back out a few more times to get things done correctly. Tonight we went a step past it. It was awful. Let me set the scene.

Last night we came home to the furnace not working so it is 56 degrees in this joint. I have a fire in the fireplace, there are plenty of blankets, we have lots of warm jammies to bundle in, it could have been fixed today, but it's Sunday & people should be able to enjoy it, not come out on their time off to fix something that won't kill me. I thought maybe camping out in the living room watching movies by the fire was a good plan tonight. It might've been how the night went had I not had the nerve to ask Ky to do her chores. Of course all the usual drama was present. The "I didn't even make these dirty, all I ever do is dishes, blah, blah, blah..." Then came the glass hitting the sink with enough force that had it not been a Mason jar, I'd have been digging glass out of my garbage disposal...hoping Ky didn't turn it on while my hand was in there. OK, my real fear is it magically starts up, but she is pretty grumpy by this point in her chores... Not sure what caused the snap, but I smacked her in the arm. Not my best moment. Definitely could have handled that better. No it didn't make things better. Now she's a victim of child abuse & then she pulled the "I HATE YOU!!!" card. I put soap in her mouth. So now she hates me, thinks I'm abusing her, I feel hideous & she's grounded from her phone.

Could I have handled this better? YES. Did I want to cry? Definitely. If I had a rewind button would I go back & behave better? I hope so. Do I regret my reflexive reaction to smack her in the arm? Of course. 

It's been over an hour. Have I cooled down? Not really...why do you think I'm writing this. Here's the facts:

• She isn't abused. Even after smacking her in the arm tonight I know I am not a mother who beats her child. 
• I am a mother who loves her child & lost her mind for a moment.
• She knows exactly what buttons to push to wage war. I fell for it. I should know better.
• Putting soap in the mouth of your 14 year old is no easy feat.
• This wasn't how I wanted to end the weekend.

Chores are done. She is in bed. I'm still wallowing in my guilt. Last weekend she was in my position. That's one of the many things I reminded her of while she did the dishes tonight, hating me. Last Friday she was washing her little brother's hair, he was screaming like every time his hair gets washed, she came out of the bathroom crying because he told her he didn't love her & didn't want her to be his sister anymore. I told her to think of that the next time she wanted to tell someone who loves her that she hates them. Then I told her to think of what it would be like if the last words you spoke to someone you loved were filled with hatred. 

We know loss. We know tragedy. It hasn't been long since we experienced it slicing through this family like a sword of ice. One night someone is leaving for work, then suddenly even the Coast Guard can't find them. The 2 year anniversary is fast approaching. Loved ones are precious even when they aren't being even remotely tolerable. Once they are gone there's a void that no other can ever fill. They take a piece of you with them. Sure it gets easier to still be living after they are lost. Eventually you don't cry at every memory. You can smile without crying when something suddenly brings them to mind, but it will never be the same again.

We all know this, we've all lost something, yet these are the people we take for granted. These loves, nearest & dearest our hearts get our worst selves. Kylie got my worst self tonight. I don't quite know why. Maybe "I hate you" was more than I could take tonight. It doesn't excuse my reaction. My heart breaks at the thought of someone or something causing any more pain in her life, but tonight I reacted with rage not grace. We had a weekend filled with family friends & love, but tonight she went to bed angry & hurt. I'll go to bed hurt & disappointed. I hope to do better in the morning. I know that will be a challenge, but I'm going to try to do better. Morning is my hardest time to be nice. I decided last week that maybe if we just didn't speak to each other in the mornings our days would start better. That being said, tomorrow I will strive for pleasant & kind. My goal will be love & tenderness. 

When I drop her off at school I will tell her I love her. I don't tell her out of habit, or guilt at our previous night's fight, or to hear her say it back...that one is rare at 14 it seems. My love for her is painful & at the same time more tremendous than I could ever have imagined. No matter how much I yell in the morning my love is behind that beastly face. "I love you" will always be the last words she hears before we go our separate ways for an hour, for the day, for a few days. You never know if that "I love you" might be the last.

Good night. 

I. Love. You.

The Addiction Plague

Another story in the news today. Another celebrity loses their struggle against addiction. It is tragic. It made the news because this was a face well known in Hollywood, but there are many faces not so well known that lost their struggle today as well. Today, yesterday, the day before, the weeks, months, years, decades & centuries before. This epidemic is not new. It didn't just pop up in 2014. Maybe some of the drugs are new, but isn't that just a new strain of the same virus? There will always be something consuming the lives that dare to dabble in its elusive proposition because there will always be those willing to dare.

I am grateful that my worst addiction was tobacco & that over 12 years later I have no desire to indulge in just one drag. None. Well now, that isn't true. There have been a few days when the choice not to smoke wasn't automatic, but as quickly as I desired it I was disgusted by that desire. It's difficult for the 33 year old version of me to believe there was once a version of me that actually enjoyed smoking. What a silly girl she was. Girl. I was 12 when I had my first cigarette & 21 when I quit for the last time.

More than that, I am grateful that a mixture of fear & common sense, but mostly fear, kept me from trying anything harder than tobacco, alcohol & marijuana. I'm almost 34 & still afraid of pain pills. I had to take vicodin after a tooth extraction once & those 18 pills still weren't all gone a year & a half later. In fact, I think that pain pills may scare me the most. They seem to be the answer for most pains, especially those that aren't easily explained. Here's a prescription for the pain...hopefully it'll be gone when these are. Maybe it works. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe by the time the pain is bearable there's a new pain that can only go away with more of those pills, but they cost so much. Heroin is cheaper. Let's try that. BAM! Now you've got the girl with golden eyes seducing her way into your arms every night. This is why pain pills scare me more than heroin. AND I NEVER EVER wanted anything to do with heroin. (Or meth, or coke, or crack...any of it.)

I watched heroin & meth tear down good people. Some lost everything. Some lost everything & then their life. Some lost everything for a while & hopefully will be able to rebuild their lives & stay clean for the remainder of their days. It is their choice to make. That future is theirs if they choose it. They can choose to live or they can choose addiction. Either way, it is theirs exclusively. No one can decide for them. No one can fix them. No one can be their fix. If they want life, they have to wake up & take life everyday. They will never not be an addict. They will be an addict who chooses sobriety...everyday...for the rest of their life. It might become a choice they make automatically, but there will be days they are tested, there will be things that trigger that old habit. The triggers might be subtle like a song, they might be brutal like the loss of someone dear to their heart or they might be in their face like an offer by someone in the clutches of addiction. Whatever the spark, only they can decide to smother or ignite it.

These people walk among you everyday. Maybe you know their story. Maybe you don't. Could be you know their story because they trusted you to love them unconditionally, to know that telling you was the bravest step they've made aside from getting clean. But maybe you don't know because telling you would risk how you see them. You see them now as a functioning member of society...a good normal person...and they aren't sure you'll ever look at them the same once you know their truth. Will you? Will you look at them with compassion? Or will it be empathy, for your story is so parallel to theirs? Will you look to them with grace for all they have overcome & all they have yet to conquer? For most of us one or some of these will be true, but for some their frightening admission of this will forever change the way they are perceived by this person. That is why you may not know. The idea of that shift that could shatter it all is so terrifying it may haunt every new relationship be it business or personal, friendship or more. It could be the history of use or the behavior that ensued during that use which hinders their ability to come clean about being clean. Maybe it is both. 

Yet with that cross to bear, they are the lucky ones because they continue to have a choice. They still have another morning. Another chance. So many don't. They are gone. They paid the price with their life. Likely they left behind loved ones who couldn't save them. Who have questions that will never be answered & pain that cannot be cured. They are here relentlessly doubting the choices they made, wondering if they could have done more or why they didn't see it. Never fully understanding why.

Now as a mother I look at all this from one more perspective: How do I convince my daughter not to go down a path from which she may never return? Is there anything I can say that will guarantee her safety? Will ensure her immunity to this? No. Not a single thing. I can give her my reasons. I can show her examples. I can read her an article every.single.time. I come across one, but none of these things can stop her because ultimately it will be her decision. I won't be standing there to make it for her. I can only hope in my heart of hearts that she will choose life & not take the risk. That she will love herself enough to not become one of the Not Quite Dead. So I pray that when she gets to this bridge I've done all that I could to get her safely over. Unscathed & untouched by this all too common thief of life.

I don't think this is going to get my point across...

If you aren't familiar with Sixx A.M., start with The Heroin Diaries (the book) then listen to the CD. If you haven't read any blogs by I Want a Dumpster Baby, you might want to look her up on Facebook...you know if the links in here left you needing more of either one! 

This is what I do

It has been 4 years, 1 month, 3 weeks & 1 day since I checked my mail for that piece of paper I had been so impatiently waiting for. I barely got that piece of paper on my 1st try. I went to that amazing school for a year, only got a B in one class. One class!! All A's & ONE B!!!! I studied my ass off. Crammed more knowledge of things I never wanted to know about...like skin conditions (what an itchy week that was) & what cadaver muscles look like (Ewww!)...into my brain, wrote papers, read & read & read, took tests every week it seemed, then all of the sudden it was over. I was done. No more driving to Portland twice a week. No more not seeing Ky for days at a time. School was out! But it wasn't over. I took the written test for my boards, no biggie. Then I went to take the practical...terrifying! I passed, by 4%. That was a blow to my 3.92 GPA, but I passed. Then it was time to wait & check the mail & wait & check the mail & wait some more & check the mail again...until it came!! I called my would be first professional client & said "guess what!!! I finally get to be your massage therapist!!!"

This might be the best lesson I ever learned.

I had people waiting for me. The support of my family & friends in pursuing this was so incredible. They helped with Ky, they helped me study, they got me through the stressful times, they brought me through that tunnel to the light at the other side. While I was there I was blessed to meet even more amazing friends. It was a life changing experience. I didn't know it was what I really wanted until I jumped in. All I knew was I wanted out of where I was. No more sales, no more sales goals, no more meeting goals only to have the ceiling raised & the commissions lowered every month, no more angry customers who just needed a sounding board, no more working 60+ hours a week & missing Kylie's life. So I gave my notice, I got my financial aid, after just finally rebuilding my credit I put myself further in debt than I'd ever been & I went back to school.

That was the first step. The second step happened 1 year, 9 months & 4 days ago when I became self-employed. There wasn't a smooth transition. No testing the water. Just a plunge into the ice cold abyss. I'm still swimming. It really isn't that cold. It's amazing.

So here's what I do. I help people feel better. When you come to my office I want to you to walk out feeling better than you walked in. I want you to feel safe, tell me your worries if you need to, sleep if you need to, laugh if you need to, or cry. This is your time. You are paying for it so you need to know it is about you. If you think your left foot needs 15 more minutes of massage than the right one...tell me! The most important thing for you to feel when you are laying on that table in my office is comfortable. 

I hear all the time, "Well I would come get a massage, but I don't want you to see my fat, chub, extra pounds, insert bad body image comment here..." I hear this from men & women alike. I. DO. NOT. CARE. WHAT. YOU. WEIGH! I'm not sizing you up wondering if you've gained a few pounds or lost a few pounds. I'm there to help you relax. I'm there to help you feel better about yourself. Did you know one of the benefits of massage is a healthier body image? Yep, having someone massage you helps you to become more comfortable in your own skin. That. Is. Awesome. 

Just so you know, every time someone comes to my office for the first time, I am just as nervous as that day when my license finally came. I'm thinking "Will they like my massage technique? Will they silently be laying there hating it? Will they feel comfortable here? Will what I do help them?" True story.

Now that we are past your first hurdle, let me tell you about what goes on in my office. Sometimes massage music...sometimes a sweet playlist. Might be November Rain playlist if you're really lucky! That's up to you. Because it is YOUR MASSAGE! Then we talk about why you're there. Did you pull a muscle, are you so stressed your neck has disappeared, car accident, you need an hour away from your family??? Whatever it is, we will figure out the best course of action for you. Then I'll step out & wash my hands while you undress to YOUR level of comfort. Don't worry, I will knock before I reenter the room. I don't want to see you naked so please get situated on the table, under the covers, before you tell me to come back in! Then it's massage time. Tell me if I need me to adjust the pressure, if you hate having your feet, ears, left pinkie finger touched, if you have a giant bruise or a new tattoo that can't be touched right now, if you only want your neck & shoulders massaged. Just let me know.

I love being a massage therapist. LOVE IT! Everyday my goal is helping people. Some of my clients come to me for pain management, some come to relax, some come to ease their anxiety, some just for an hour of peace & some because it seems to be the only time we can see each other uninterrupted. Whatever the reason, they come to me & I cherish the opportunity to touch their lives. 

Not everyone that comes to see me comes back. I'm not for everyone. I don't ever want to offend someone, but there will be people who just won't like me. It's OK. A newer client of mine told me the other day that she likes me because I'm not like "most massage therapists" she's encountered. She said they were too "new age-y" for her. I think my November Rain playlist won her over! Whatever the reason, I am immensely grateful to all of those who become my clients & if I'm really lucky, some of those people who come in as strangers leave as friends. I have a few who started out friends (& some who came to me because their chiropractor said they should) that I enjoy so much, I'm counting down til their next appointment! That makes going to work easy!!

Thank you to all my people for all of your support! Much love to you!

Please feel free to share this post, or my Facebook page Jasmine Craven, LMT, or both!!

18 In No Time

It's happening. That thing they said would happen. You have a baby & they say, "You will blink & she'll be all grown up." Or, "Before you know it she'll be going off to college." 

There are times, I'm sure many still to come, when it feels like time is standing still, nothing is changing, we will never get past this point & to that "better place." Like chores...will chores ever just get done?! Does it make me a good mama or a terrible housekeeper when she is gone overnight for an extra night...then 2 extra nights & I don't do the mound of dishes or scrub the shower because those are her chores? The shower isn't growing any mushrooms behind the shampoo bottle & I didn't run out of utensils, but I can assure you I was hoping so hard that anyone who witnessed this wouldn't judge my homemaking skills. I was just thinking, "Please let them understand, it is her responsibility & she has to be accountable!!!" Or her bedroom...why does it pain me so when my bedroom & my best friend's bedroom weren't far from this growing up? Is it because we at least had the decency to remove dirty dishes/garbage the same day? Our mess was strictly clothing, hair stuff, makeup & papers.

Today she came home from her Thursday night sleepover that turned into a Thursday-Saturday nights sleepover so that she could do her chores. This is the only way she would be allowed to go to a movie tonight. Chores had to be done...COMPLETELY DONE! No only washing the shower doors, but not the walls, shelves or floor. No random dishes that weren't inside the sink left unwashed. Done. All. The. Way. Done! 

On my way home I was contemplating whether I wanted to watch this movie...that I watched last night...again. It was a good movie, but it isn't exactly uplifting. I almost full on cried, not a trickle of a tear elegantly down the cheek, but full on sobs, no less than 8 times during this movie. So I'm thinking, "Do I want to subject myself to that 2 nights in a row? Is that healthy for my mental state? Do I feel comfortable just dropping my teen off at the theater?"

First almost cry...
right here.

Here's the end result. It was a bit jarring. She is 14 years old! FOURTEEN!!! It is OK to take her to a movie theater in Astoria & drop her off with her friend at the ticket window. Why do I have such a hard time letting her do things I was doing at her age? Probably because she's my baby & I don't like to think that she's at an age where she can go to a movie with a friend or the pool without me being right there the entire time.

So in order to reign myself in I thought about what I was doing at 14...in the 8th grade. I had a boyfriend who was in high school. He picked my friends & I up from school. If he didn't, one of my friends' high school boyfriends did. We rode around in the back of Mickie's boyfriend's truck. In. The. Truck. Bed. Oh, I smoked...Marlboro Lights. I smoked Marlboro Lights while riding in the back of my bestie's boyfriend's truck on my way home from the 8th grade! When we weren't riding around with high school boys we were walking to Taco Bell or McDonald's or the gas station to buy more Marlboro Lights or Osco Drug because we were out of eyeliner. We were sneaking out late at night to walk around with boys & smoke Marlboro Lights. Where we lived had a population comparable to McMinnville & was only a few blocks away from Kansas City, MO which apparently has an even higher crime rate than I thought. 

This is how it compared to LA in 2006. Couldn't find a graph for 1994, but the stats were similar.

Here's KCMO to Portland in 2006...you know you were curious.

Needless to say, I am grateful she thinks cigarettes are disgusting. She doesn't have some high school boy trying to date her. She gets rides home from her friends' parents sometimes, but we live close enough to walk. She sneaks out to my roof...and tells me about it. I know the chances are high that this will all change very soon. I know next year she will be a freshman (fresh meat) in high school. In 8 months she can get her permit. In a year & 8 months she could be driving. It will all be over in no time just like they warned me! Dropping her off at the movies isn't that big of a deal now that I think about it. The next 4 years I will be wishing that was my only worry! I guess I will also be thankful that we don't live in Pan-Am & she wasn't chosen in the reaping to fight in the Hunger Games.

***This blog is not sponsored by the Hunger Games. The books are amazing. The movies also. If you want to be grateful your children aren't in the running to be sent to a fight to the death each year...check them out.***

Extra Chores Week

In an effort to make this more lovely for you, I decided to go with a lilac hue. You are welcome. Now let's get real...

Here's how Extra Chores Week began:

The FB post read:
Dear Kylie & AJ,
Do you know the level of rage this brings me to?
Are you aware that this is considered a party foul?
Do you think you could take care of this & then do the dishes before I lose my f***ing mind?
Thanks in advance,
Beastly Teen's Aggravated Mama

So I posted that on Saturday evening, because it is one of my biggest pet peeves, thinking this is a creative way to get this wrong righted. No such luck. In response to "stop yelling at me...you don't have to yell...I heard you the first time!!!" from Ky, I would like to say, I do have to yell because the funny FB attempt to get your attention didn't work. 
You know what worked? "Ky, could you please change the TP before I lose my fucking mind?" *in a on the brink of madness  very calm voice* BAM!! TP changed. 
Let me run you through some thoughts this brought on...Has she ever changed the TP? Does she even know how? Is that why it has taken 18 hours to get it accomplished? Is she struggling to figure it out now? Nope. That took her all of 7 seconds. She knew how to do it all this time & they did this shit to me twice in one day!!???!!! How can I stop this madness???

You know this is the best light bulb you have ever seen!

EXTRA 

CHORES

WEEK

!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention that after I posted that pic on FB, but before she saw it she PHONED ME FROM HER BEDROOM? Yep. That happened. 

Me: Did you just call from your bedroom?

Ky: Yep. Could you turn the wifi on?

Me: Don't ever call me from your bedroom again unless someone is in there trying to kill you. Is someone in there trying to kill you?

Ky: No. Can you turn the wifi on so AJ & I can watch Netflix?

Me: The wifi is already on, check your FB & do the dishes before you watch Netflix.

Then....she came out, I stupidly put in the wifi password (at least I still have some control) & the dishes did not get done on Saturday night. The 5 cellophane wrappers from microwave popcorn also did not get thrown away. Not even the one sitting 3 inches from the trashcan. A real favorite of mine.

It is Tuesday night. Let me tell you how Extra Chores Week is going. 

Not. Fucking. Great.

Sunday I had to yell & yell about those dishes getting done. One response to a request (an hour after the previous request) was "my nails are wet." Oh really? Neat. They finally got washed, left to dry all night on the counter. Also, neat. Monday morning she put them away before school. Monday night, no dishes done. So this is how the kitchen looks.

Pretty sweet huh...I'd like to add the Grey Goose was finished on Christmas Eve, Bombay was finished by my step-dad um in November I think...like at Ky's birthday party, wine was from Christmas & the vase has been there since November. They all have places to go, but she just leaves em...and leaves em and leaves em........

So tonight I decided to write the chores on the dry erase board again. A friendly reminder that they need to be done, DAILY. I then pointed out the list articulating what is expected of her (for the bazillionth time) & let her know there was no need to check things off like she's done in the past...this needs to stay up so there's no question of what is to be done.

Look..it is also a happy purple-y hue...

I bet you aren't shocked to hear it took me yelling down the hall 3 to 8,700 more times before she stomped out here & started washing dishes. Yep, she stomped on down the hall like there was a real injustice taking place here. Wait til I tell her I need the shower scrubbed. She might call CPS on me! I will save the shower til tomorrow. She's pretty sure no other kid in the world has or will ever be forced to do the slave labor that is her life. She's like an indentured servant...it's a real crime! Just ask her. She'll tell you all about it. 

***as I'm writing the dishes are FINALLY being washed...as in, during this paragraph...and here's a bonus for you: She just said to me, "I'm going to go take off my mask!"***

Now you know folks, that's twice in one week that dishes have cut into Teen Day Spa that apparently is operating in the master bedroom of this place. I'd go back there & see if I could get an appointment, but I am pretty sure the Health Department would shut that place down if they became aware of its existence!

Thank you for keeping me sane. If I wasn't writing this for you I may have yelled so loud I went into a coughing fit over the stupid dishes...like last night.