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This past Friday night I was once again reminded of my love for this community. It has been 19 years since we left Raytown, Missouri and returned to the Oregon Coast to be closer to our family again. Oh how things can change in 19 years!

We grew up in Raytown. I was 5, Amber was 3 when we moved there. We went to school and made childhood friends, we adjusted to having four seasons, white Christmases, the Plaza Lights, hot summer days by the pool, malls everywhere, city life...well suburban life. We also missed our family in Oregon. We visited in the summer and then for Thanksgiving or Christmas once my dad moved back to Oregon. My uncle used to send us a fresh noble fir every year. He would go cut down the perfect tree & send it UPS to us. I think we looked forward to that the most...and a close second were the Plaza lights. 

Miles & miles of lights, perfectly lining all of the beautiful architecture on the Plaza, months of preparation and each Thanksgiving, with the flip of a switch, they'd all light up. Every night from Thanksgiving through the New Year you could go down to the Plaza & see this twinkling masterpiece. Now I have framed prints of these lights in my office, year round, but it isn't quite the same. 

After 9 years in Missouri, the last 4 with my dad back on the West Coast, my mom was ready to be close to her family again. We were too, but we weren't so excited to be leaving all of our childhood friends. The kids we'd known since before Kindergarten. It was a hard move to make. Bittersweet, and to a 14 year old girl some of it seemed like the worst thing that could ever happen in all my life.

Mickie's front porch, September 1994. Some of the friends we had to say goodbye to.

So in October 1994, we took another U-Haul adventure, this time from Raytown, Missouri to Astoria, Oregon. We had visited the summer before and checked out the town, looked at all those Victorian houses perched on a hill & blue skies & the views, the river & the bay. It was all very exciting until you said goodbye to the only friends you knew. We got here mid-October of my freshman year. It was rainy & grey. Our new house wasn't as big as the old one, we didn't live on a lovely cul-de-sac or have a big backyard anymore. None of the neighbors had swimming pools. THERE WERE NO MALLS WITHIN 15 MINUTES...or an or an hour (Three Rivers does not count as a mall)...they were 2 LONG hours away!!! No Taco Bell or Hardee's or Sonic...America's favorite drive-in!!! We started attending schools that were more similar in size to the elementary school in Raytown. We were the new kids in a place where families had been for generations. It sucked. It rained every day but 14 of the first 6 months we lived here. It definitely wasn't love at first sight.

We lived through the first rainy winter...no snow to speak of. No Plaza lights. There were good changes too, though. We only had to drive 2 hours to be with our family now, instead of 5 hours flying then a 2 hour drive from the airport. That was amazing! We missed our old friends. We made some new ones. I ran the long distance up over $800, I believe. **SORRY MOM...I'M SERVING MY TIME WITH A TEENAGE DAUGHTER NOW!** 

 We lived here now. Where movies are filmed. Where Goonies never say die!

Where the views are incredible if you aren't scared of heights...even if you are, the view is almost as sweet without climbing those column stairs. Where it rains a ton. Even the locals complain about the liquid sunshine.

My plan was to leave Astoria as soon as I graduated high school & go back to Missouri. Plans changed. My next plan was to move to Portland...because I was a city girl. This town was too small for me. I didn't like everyone knowing what I was doing before I even knew. I didn't feel like I belonged here. I didn't graduate high school because I just wanted out & I knew what was best. No one else knew what I needed. Teenage girls are so smart! I moved to Hillsboro twice & Beaverton once. I had a baby. I moved back to Astoria. That's when perspective started to shift. Hillsboro & Beaverton were suburbs, but they weren't my suburb. My elementary school friends didn't live there. In fact, by now the girl I kept in closest touch with didn't live in Raytown either. She was headed west. I finally began to embrace life here. 

The years went by, I lived in Astoria and in it's surrounding areas, but after coming home from Beaverton with my 5 month old baby girl I didn't move outside of Clatsop County again. By the time she started elementary school I was glad to be in this small community. I was grateful for the smaller schools & all the things I didn't like about them when we moved here. Everyone knew everyone else, and all their business. It isn't perfect, no place is. There are scary things everywhere, but it definitely is safer than the suburbs where we grew up. I still lock my car every place I go & all my doors even when I'm home. 

There are things in Raytown that Astoria will likely never see.

Now Kylie is in 8th grade at a school where her uncle works. Next year she'll go to the high school I first went to 20 years before ( that can't be right...I'm so young) and (WOOHOO) that same uncle coaches there. Sometimes the family knows what she's doing at school before I even find out. When she's out of school, even if she's doing something I have approved of, just in case, if she's spotted & I'm not around, I hear about it. Oh how I HATED that growing up!! Now it warms my heart. How blessed to have all of these people who know & love & care enough to make sure she is safe. It is amazing!

And that Raytown girl that was headed west, she stopped off in Vegas for awhile, met a guy, fell in love & moved to Vancouver, WA a few years later. So now in less than 2 hours we can be at each other's front doors. Last weekend she was in Long Beach with her husband & daughter, so we got to go clam digging with them. Thank goodness she's so close...I don't know if I could live without her.

In 2012 we suffered a great loss. Kylie lost her father. He was on a fishing boat that was lost at sea. It was unimaginable. Losing your father is tragic, especially when he's too young to go. Watching your daughter lose her father, knowing she never even got to say goodbye, is so much worse. I'm thankful everyday for his family & that I have been fortunate enough to be a part of that family. He & I were never married, we hadn't been together since she was just tiny, but they are my family. I love them so & I'm not sure what I would have done without them over the years. When we lost him this community came together with so much love & support it was unbelievable. I loved this place more and more every year that we were here, but in March 2012 I truly learned what it meant to be part of a small town. There aren't words to express all that was done for us. It was so incredible. It is still incredible to me. People still come to me with kind words & stories of Jay, ask how Kylie is doing & offer support. Losing him was devastating & with that loss we gained even more people to love. More people checking in on her or reporting what she's up to.

Jay Bjaranson April 19, 1973-March 10, 2012

Friday night I once again witnessed this outpouring of love, as I do every time this community suffers a loss or has someone who is fighting for their life. Those things happen far too often. In the face of tragedy having all of those people wrap their arms & prayers around you is a special kind of comfort that only a small town can give. So on Friday night I got to go into Salon Boheme and join Kallie's girls along with the girls from Bellisima to help a lovely woman who is fighting right now. Those ladies worked all day, then at 5pm when they would have been headed home to their families they started working for donations so that hopefully some weight is lifted off of this beautiful woman's shoulders. We are all mamas & this is what we do. We join our mama bear strength together & kick ass. I feel so blessed to have been a part of this, to be invited into a salon that I frequent, but don't work at, and to give what I could to this cause. Cancer sucks. It took my dad, it took my grandad & it has taken countless other friends from us. It is terrible to watch that fight...even worse to see someone lose. It is so awesome to watch them WIN!

It wasn't just women..there were some men involved in these efforts. 

Friday night was just the start in this endeavor to give our support to Missy & her family. Justin Grafton Studios was there to capture it all & get behind the effort. Journey's End Espresso provided coffee to keep us going. It was very touching to see all of these people pulling together & giving their love. This is why I'm in love with Astoria. This is how it won my heart & why it is my home. What a fantastic night!

AND THAT'S WHAT WE DID!

Donations for Missy Corcoran are still being accepted at Salon Boheme.

Stay At Home Mamas (and Daddies)

This summer & fall have been baby booming season for my friends & family. Let me tell you what this means for me. Nearly every person I speak to about one of the many new additions says, "when are you going to have another one?" Or, "don't you want another one?" OR, my personal favorite, "oh you look so good with that baby. You should have another one!" I have been hearing this for years! Every single time someone I know procreates.

Let's think this through people. Let me lay out the facts for you. 

(just like I laid them out for all those well intention-ed people)

1. I'm a single mother.

2. I became a single mother after barely becoming an adult...19 to be exact.

3. It was my choice to be a single mother, I tried to make it work, but in the end some people aren't meant to be...especially two people who are broken up before they even know they've made a baby.

(I believe having two parents who love you is what counts, if they don't love each other staying together is hardest on the child. We gave it a second try & it wasn't meant to be.)

4. My child is less than 5 years from graduating high school. She will be 18 in about 4 years.

5. I AM SINGLE!!!!!!!!

(You would think that #5 would have stopped this line of questioning before it started...dead in its tracks, but it did not.)

6. I have no prospective baby daddies....why? Because, see #5, I AM SINGLE!

I think those are some pretty strong points I have made. I feel like all of this is enough to make them understand why Ky will remain my only biological child. I bet you are agreeing with me. Thinking, "yep, seems like the case is closed here. She's not having another child."

Nope.

Here are some of the rebuttals:

You could get artificially inseminated

But, you love babies!

Kylie would love a little brother or sister.

What if you meet someone & fall in love & he wants babies?

My replies to these:

WHY THE F**K WOULD I DO THAT?

Yes & I can snuggle these new babies all I want then give them back when I'm done.

She has a little brother. His name is Talon. He is 4.

Now that last one has me thinking...I have given it a lot of thought over the past year. Don't think it was only asked once. It has been asked repeatedly. By multiple well meaning people...including my mother. You would think she would know better. You would think she would be on board with my no more babies plan! She's supposed to have my back!!

My opinion on this has changed a few times. It has been a really hard 19 months in our world. I had to watch my child suffer the loss of her daddy. It was unimaginable and it really causes you to reevaluate things, really take a look & ask yourself "Is this really what I want? Is this really how I want to continue? Can we get through this? What can I do better?' Those and a whole lot more constantly running through my head. I won't lie and tell you I've handled every situation gracefully & perfectly. I've really sucked quite a few times. Really looked at my reactions and thought, "You are terrible at this!!!" I'm not perfect, I'm just trying to do better today than I did yesterday.

So first I decided that if I meet someone and fall madly in love & he wants kids, it would be unfair to deny him this. That was before we lost Jay. Then for a while I thought nothing about having more kids, just about getting my kid through the first stages of that. Then I decided having more kids isn't for me. I'll marry someone who has had kids & we won't need to add to our brood. I kept this plan for a full year, more than a year.

My sister & two close friends became pregnant in that time, unexpectedly. I will tell you during that time I had a nightmare that I was unexpectedly pregnant. I woke up in tears...full on bawling. I cried for at least a minute after awakening before my mind finally came to the realization that I was dreaming, I was, in fact, on my period & I could not possibly be with child! It was terrifying.

So many gorgeous babies have come into my life in the past year. More still to come. Some were planned, some were prayed for and took lots of work to get, some were a BIG SURPRISE and all are loved so very much.

My mama & step-dad were asking again when I was going to be having another last month. Up until then I would tell them that my sissy just gave them another beautiful granddaughter & if they wanted more they could talk to Ron's kids about it. On this particular occasion, at a baby shower for Ron's son & his wife, I told them what I believe is my final answer on the subject.

If I meet someone and fall madly in love and he is convinced we need babies I will do it on one condition:

I will be a stay at home mom. 

Here's why:

I had Ky at 19. For the first 8 years of her life I worked 2-3 jobs. There were days I dropped her off at daycare (to the most wonderful daycare provider I know, no offense to the awesome ladies that helped raise me) at 5:30a.m. and didn't get home from my jobs until 11:30 at night. That wonderful woman taught her shapes & colors, to say her ABC's, count, read & write. I didn't. She was the only person that could get my child to try any food or take a nap at the same time everyday...that wonderful time known as nap time. Yea...she didn't take naps on my days off...DAY off. She wasn't prepared for Kindergarten because of me. She was prepared because Doreen got her there. Thank goodness for Doreen. 

After she started school I continued working multiple jobs. At one time I bartended in Seaside and Knappa and worked at Maurices in Warrenton. What fun it was coming home at 3 in the morning smelling like an ashtray (yep, you could still smoke in bars then), showering and sleeping 3 hours before taking my kindergartener to school. Once I dropped her off on a day when there was no school. I took her to school, went home, got ready for work, got in the car headed for Warrenton, a block from my house I saw my 6 year old walking, she walked about a mile with her tough girl face on, I asked what she was doing, she told me "the doors were locked so I walked home", I took her to daycare, went to work & held it together til my break when I cried my eyes out convinced I was the world's worst mom. Later the sweet lady in the school office told me the other doors were unlocked if she had tried them they were there and could've called me and that I wasn't the first parent, nor would I be the last, in the history of parenting to do this. It still feels terrible and Ky will never, ever, ever let me forget about it.

I used to think "I could never be a stay at home mom. I would go crazy. I need a break from that kid." I would still need a break, but at 33 you appreciate things a little more than you do in your 20's and hey when have the time to slow down and enjoy kids it makes you realize all you missed out on. I missed out on a lot. I can never get those years back. Like everything else, you don't know what you had 'til it's gone.

I'm not claiming I would be a perfect mother to a new child. I yell at that child of mine more than I should. She makes me crazy all the time. I don't think I'll ever figure out the perfect system with her. Who ever does? I'm going to say, um, NO ONE!!! I do know I would appreciate the time I had more and make the most of it. Not that I don't try to do that now. I finally went back to school in 2008. It was a TOUGH year! I missed almost 11 weeks of Ky during my last term. She lived with Jay Monday-Friday while I commuted back and forth to Portland. Becoming a massage therapist changed our lives. I have more time with her and for her than ever before, but it still isn't enough. My head is just balancing everything that needs to happen at work & with her. If I had another child I would not give up my massage practice because I love it. I love my clients and I love knowing that I help people every time someone gets on my table. I would continue to do massage, but I wouldn't be trying to think of the best marketing plan to bring in new business or how can I get a few more hours in my day to make this work or will she understand if I miss this because we need the extra $60 this week. Nope, it would definitely come after taking care of my family. That's how it should be. Unfortunately in this world that isn't always how it is. We have bills to pay, the newest electronics to buy...I feel like I'm always hemorrhaging cash! 

I have some friends who made the choice to stay home with their kids. A big shout out to them!!!  A big shout out to their spouses for making it happen!!!! It isn't easy. They aren't all rich, far from it, but this was the best choice for their families so they are doing what has to be done to make it work. From time to time I go hang out with them during the day & pretend this is my life too. I watch the chaos that ensues, I also watch the precious, tender moments that not everyone gets to see. Like when a 3 year old girl softly touches her baby sister's cheek & puts on her best concerned mama look or a 6 year old boy gets to "babysit" his new baby sister (with Auntie only a couch cushion away supervising). I get to be made into a "bootiful pwincess" sometimes...it is awesome & at times a little painful. Watching all of this really makes me appreciate all that these stay at home mamas and daddies do for their kids. It also shows me all I've missed. It takes a lot of work to chase kids around the house all day, clean up messes as they make more, feed them nutritious snacks & meals, schedule necessary appointments, teach them valuable life lessons, prepare them for the outside world, make sure they are kind & good & well mannered, keep them in matching clothes so they don't end up in public looking like little ragamuffins, hide the scissors because someone keeps trimming her own hair, keep the peace...you think one is hard then try two or three kids...eek!, still love those tiny monsters after a particularly challenging day, don't get me started on the nightmare of potty training, balance the checkbook & get the bills paid before they shut something off because you forgot to send it or someone played Post Office with the bills & now who knows where that check is, volunteering at their school once they start school & scheduling your life around that, doing homework with them from immediately after school until dinner & then after dinner until after 7 when they are in 2nd grade for crying out loud!, making sure chores & school projects get completed on time...and projects actually get turned in, AND becoming their taxi & ATM. Staying home with kids isn't for the faint of heart. Having kids isn't for the faint of heart...having them then spending 99% of your time with them is definitely a recipe for insanity, but also the most rewarding thing you could ever do...once they are through the teenage years and love you again!! Being a parent is harder than anything else I've ever done and it doesn't come with a fat paycheck or a corner office...it comes with unconditional love (that will be almost impossible to find between the ages of 12-18) and this once tiny human that you molded and shaped into a better version of you. 

The best version of you.

Let's give them a round of applause!

(and a day at the spa...or vodka...lots of vodka!)